The Aching

As I've said before, I am not young anymore (not as I wish I was) And sometimes, like today, I feel sleepy, tired, lazy, and old people sickness.

Last night I remembered why I didn't want to say yes, and then, doubts came into my head... like.. what it feels like to have a "normal" relationship, or what it feels like to go walking to your boyfriend's house, (and getting there in 30 mins instead of 8 or 10 hours) but I also wondered, why I couldn't. Then I think, my experience(s) have been different from others, but that doesn't push me away of the wish to know.. what do others feel like. Some things just don't work out, and others weren't meant to be. So I ponder, yet again, if the problem is me. Will I be able to go through with a boyfriend that I can be with easier and less expensive? Perhaps.

But I am tired.. I feel so so old, I have been in front of my pc for 10 years.. and sending (K) for 7 or 8 yrs.. and I say I'm not patient.

And Anyway, I can't say I didn't try, I tried, it just wasn't. Maybe I had to wait more, maybe less, and everything goes foggy, confusing and Tortuous. I so much want not to cry, not to end up crying, im holding myself back so much, like the Sky here when it wants to rain. And I am still trying, because you want something so much, but to want something isn't equal to have it. And.. craving.. and wanting.. and dreaming... and waiting ...and missing...isn't the same as having.. as living.. as kissing.. as making..or sharing. I don't want to fool myself, or to fool others. I'll be lying to say this aching and this pain is new to me, cus, sadly it isn't. Lot of other things are new, but I'm scared of how they'd hurt me in the future, and to get even more attached. I don't want to be at the point that even breathing hurts all because you can't breath the same air he is breathing. And you go around leaving pieces of your heart of everytime, of every difference, of every absence, of every dream that doesn't become real but a frustration. I love sharing time, and kisses, hugs, actions, and I am open to some more. And love is such a strong feeling, but it's hurtful when it's restrained.. and I love you, if I didn't.. it wouldn't hurt the distance between the two of us.

But you take risks, ways and choices, because you think is worthy, because you're willing to go through the fire, or a nightmare or a hell once again, cus maybe, you still want something or dream about something, money can't buy yet (Thank God). And I want something else, I don't want to fail again, but the landscape is so different now, it should be easier now, maybe, but it's heavier, cus this shows that you shouldn't move your tongue at all. I hope one day I don't really wake up and say, I can't do this one more single day. That would suck. But it would suck more the aching and the explanations. If you're strong enough, you'll go through everything. And I still embrace my pride and loneliness at nights..wondering.

******

Pride can stand a thousand trials,

the strong will never fall

But watching stars without you, my soul cried.

Heaving heart is full of pain, oh, oh, the aching.

'Cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh.

Touch me deep, pure and true, gift to me forever

'Cause I'm kissing you, oh. I'm kissing you, oh.

Where are you now?Where are you now?

'Cause I'm kissing you. I'm kissing you, oh.