I am Taylor Swift's song. It's me, I'm the problem it's me. His last words "I don't love you" and that's the only truth he ever said. He never loved me. He just used me.
Once again I stand on this side where I'm dumped as a disposable thing. Bringing my selfworth to the floor. Feeling my heart breaking, pain in my chest and the painful process of burrying dreams and future plans. Why do I keep fooling myself? This one has been the worst so far. I must reconize my part, my issues. I am not a perfect human being, made mistakes and carry along lot of trauma and inner child things. But I loved. I was so open and honest. I can't do this anymore to be honest.
Life is tiring. I'm drained, exhausted. I give up. It's full of pain, and the hurt, is overwhelming. I don't think I can go on. I felt like there's nothing worth to live for, or in me. I will continue to be used because life will only keep punishing me for my mistakes. I can't catch a break and I don't want to live anymore.
Besides, I already have lived a lot. I was a child, a daughter, a wife, I lived abroad, I traveled to Europe. I'm done with life. WHy do I wanna live? There's nothing for me, there's no hope. I thought I had a chance, a light beam and it was bullshit. Everything was bullshit and lies. If God's real, UNiverse, whatever, please give me death. If I can't kill myself in August, cus..cowardice, as birthday gift, give me death. I don't wanna live crying, and feeling this pain everyday anymore.
I feel so alone. She was my soulmate, i wish to be with her again, in death.
I was scared. Heartbreaks after you're finally recovering.
To be honest, I am mad, mostly myself.
Because I let him, I allowed myself to dream, to love. I knew it was going to be one sided.
This hurts. It's gonna hurt a while, again, to bury all the dreams and illusions you dare to have.
I should give him an award, he pretended so good.
Is it me? Do I Attract these type of men?
Immature? Fearing of commitment?
I want to stop. In my defense, I was so clear from the beginning. I should have been more transparent towards myself. I should have been braver, but he was good. He got inside of me and I let him.
But today, today I start to find a way out. Because I could be dying of love, but I don't want to and I won't stay where I am not wanted.
He already said his peace, he already said what he said. What am I doing?
I know who I am. I am a loyal and excellent woman. He should be proud to stand by my side and eager to see me.
It's my time to fall out. It's sad that what I saw he didn't. That's what hurts most, the not correspondance and rejection.
It's getting harder each time, to start a new healing process. I could say I won't try again, maybe I could, but now I know better. This is so heartbreaking, not being the woman he wants.
I won't stick around to see how he gives what I wanted for myself, to someone else. I am not masochist.
He didn't even love me. Why do I feel so stupid? I am not stupid, I just need to understand more.
Go back to soothing myself.
Is this why he wanted to be in my life? Is this why He did what he did? Jerk.
But I don't want to be a victim. I let my guard down. Let's ask ourselves what I learned. I know it hurts to know the truth and face reality.
I guess I have to focus on myself again.
Yo quisiera que esto hubiera sido una relación exitosa, de crecimiento continuo, de apoyo, de sonrisas y acompañamientos. No lo fue.
Dèjame ir, a alguien que me ame, a alguien que también quiera construir conmigo.
Te agradezco todos los momentos, los felices y los tristes, los de diversión y de aprendizaje, las nuevas experiencias y re descubrimiento, pero ya no me hagas más daño.
Tienes toda la razón, para qué voy a luchar yo sola? No voy a estar, de nuevo, donde no me quieren. Yo solo quiero estar donde quieran que yo esté y tú no quieres mi presencia.
Que me costó y aún me cuesta sanar mi corazoncito, ahora tendré que sanar esta nueva herida.
If something I have learned from this painful process one after another, is awareness.
I have come to be more aware of myself, of my own feelings, my own expectations, my own pain, my own triggers. And I embark on this journey of self discovery, of seeking answers to all the why questions.
I want to continue learning by myself, through my experiences but also through others. See them for who they are, but also what they do or don't do. How does this make me feel. How not to take it personal. I'm no longer the same person I was.
I only hope to have grown to become a better version of myself. The world has been nuts and pandemic has taken a huge toll on all of us. Our daily routines and I have lost beloved ones. It makes you wonder how long, how much more.
It's an act of courage just to get up every morning. I still seek the comfort of death, but this seems to elude those who crave it.
I have come to see through other eyes. I have met people and I have come even to experience new feelings and sensations, and yet I feel I can't find my place, or belong.
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I want to keep trying, because nothing good comes easily, but I keep wondering and I have a lot of questions. I still have this feeling of expectations unmet, so I have to take a deep inside of myself, things and feelings I should give to myself or do for me. I don't want to fall in a circle. I won't. I won't lose myself ever again. Now I am aware of me, of who I am.
The process of being reborn, of getting out of the mud was far from easy and it was painful. But, I like to think I have crossed that. I have new ways in front of me, and I don't want to repeat old behaviors or same mistakes again. I'm still learning.
I still cry though, I still once in a while feel a tug on my side. But I think they last way less than before, they pass quicker. I no longer hold a lot inside of me, I tend to feel and release.
I'm me. I'm not someone else. I won't let you hurt me. I'll remove myself from that equation. I have to work on these issues, on these wounds. Take some time off to look within myself and fix. This is a process, fixing oneself and being emotionally responsible.
I want to feel complete, satisfied on my own. If I ever decide to choose someone, I want it to be by election and not out of need or loneliness. This alone healing time is necessary. I still need to connect to myself. But, I've also learnt a lot this time. Let's begin with what I don't want anymore and I'm not willing to accept. To speak up and set my boundaries. I don't want to explain how I should or want to be treated, no. I've come to realize what I want and what I don't want for me.
I've been hurt but I don't wanna hurt someone else or take my hurt or wounds onto someone else and project my own wounds into what they say or do. That's not fair. This time, a red flag for me was my own expectations. I found myself expectating something or craving something, and that's not right or healthy. Expectation is the root of heartache.
Also, no one else is him. Every person is different, and unique. But I know what I wanna be. I am who I am, and I don't wanna be anyone else's shadow. I want to be seen as who I am. I've fought with my own identity since I was a child. I'm done being someone's shadow or replacement. I'm my own unique person and character. So, those words hurt me. Why? I wonder. Because it triggered my neglect and identity inner wound.
Now, how do I work and improve on this? Let's focus on myself first and my inner child. I wanna soothe her, saying.. You're valued for who you are. Not for your accomplishments or what you can do for others. But for being you. And No one else is you. surround yourself with people who treasure this person you are.
I've made mistakes. Maybe I was too blunt. I should have perhaps apologized, but apologizing for saying how I feel? Perhaps my words weren't the right ones. Him. Always said the words I wanted to read or hear, the expected reactions. Knew exactly words I loved but also how to inflict the most pain. Always giving the best songs. But it's still him. Messing with my mind even though he no longer is around, and I won't allow it.
I am enough, you'll see. I'll show myself I can pick up these shattered and broken pieces. One day it'll stop bleeding and hurting.
Esta cicatriz me la hizo el tiempo, pero la herida me la causó él.
It's sad to know and to feel that you'll never be happy again. That nothing you do can make you feel fulfilled. I think I am only happy or feel my heart in my dreams. I haven't been able to puzzle my heart and life pieces back together. Only some of it, the minimum to continue living. To me, that I can't trust others with my feelings..to me it's heartbreaking that I can only see her in my dreams. Last night I dreamt of her. I was happy. I was smiling and laughing from the heart, not just out of the moment. I was with mom buying her shoes. I already know what shoes she likes, I don't care mom if you always pick the same ones. I love sharing my time with you. Seeing you smile and hearing your laugh. Then you got tired and sat on a mall bench. I was excited, I wanted to show you something. Tell me about when I wake up knowing I'll never be able to see you, feel you or live with you ever again. I wanted to see you live longer, grow old, you becoming a granny. Sure, I'm grateful for the time given..but for me nothing is the same. I live in deep grief.
It hurts me that my husband whom I thought was the man of my life didn't understand that, but it's unfair to ask him to stay ..to what? to make his life miserable as mine is? as a shell?
Therapist: Do you love her or is she useful?
The answer is: I know you didn't love me, I was only useful. Maybe at the beginning you did love me but then it turned out into not love.
I want you to know, Mr. Lion, that I've cried every day. That I've missed you every single day. Sometimes I cry out of anger, out of sadness, out of love, out of deception, out of frustration, out of hate, out of regret, out of resignation. That I may return everything if that makes it for a different outcome. I'm wearing my bleeding heart on my sleeve. People ask if we've talked. No. And I say I doubt we will ever talk again, maybe in years, maybe never. And about what? Sometimes I think I said all I had to say, maybe add or remove details. I think you also said all you wanted to say freely (I'm not the one who used to interrupt the other while they were talking).
But, since nothing really matters anymore and all this blog is for myself and my own healing journey, I'm going to write some silly dreams or expectations I had. When you came to see me.. I thought you'd come by your own initiative.. with purpose.. I imagined you sitting down and saying.. I come to bring a work plan on this relationship. I wanna work on me. I wanna work on us. I want you to work on yourself. Let's do counseling together. I know what hurts and bothers you cus you've been saying it for the past 2 years nonstop. I can tell youre hurting, unhappy, confused.. Maybe not entirely my fault, maybe some part. Maybe you need time to be with yourself.. But I want to show you im willing to make a big effort in this marriage. Not anymore looking down on you. Not anymore not giving your place. Not anymore humilationg you. Not anymore controlling you with the money. Not anymore taking you for granted. Not anymore not valuing you. Not anymore making you feel unwanted. Im willing to go to therapy, Im willing to communicate. But no.. All I got was "Are you sure you want this? I already saw a lawyer." "I don't want to separate." And that was it. And while I was here not once you talked to me in a passionate or naughty way or asked to see my body.. You stopped wanting me long time ago and that hurted me as a woman and my self esteem deeply. Still, I waited. But since I noticed that was not gonna happen, I did some more work on me as I continue doing. I wanted to come back and all I got were rocks thrown at. Maybe I deserved that. Really? When we met back home.. I thought You'd say "You were horrible. And I was mediocre. Let's try, step by step, but slowly, and with impartial help. We can't seem to reconcile on our own with our wounds, expectations and unsatisfied needs.. Nevertheless, I think this marriage deserves a chance, but with effort, but with work from BOTH of us, not only from one side." I did the fucking couple therapy alone for one year!!!!!!!! But Again, I didn't get a chance but I got a "I no longer love you. You're not useful to me as a woman and leave me alone so I can move on with my life."
I know. I'm aware you no longer love me. I know you stopped loving me even before all the shit even though you deny it. I just need time. I need more time. I hope when you receive the signed divorce papers, you'll be happy. You got your freedom of me, the same woman that made you wed. Didn't I ever tell you the story that on my birthday I thought you were going to ask me to marry you? Hahaha I was so stupid back then :) Thinking you'd do that on your own..as if you had the will. Anyway, again, sorry for forcing you into marrying me and putting that pressure on. Sorry for everything.
I don't really care about the money. I'd give it all back if it meant you'd return. I'm quite aware you didn't love me enough. I'm aware you don't love me anymore. Then again why do I want you back? Why do I want someone who doesn't love me?
Why didn't you leave me alone when you saw my photo with the bird? You should have let me be. I was not looking for a boyfriend, for a partner. You should have left me alone if at the end you were going to leave me worse than as you found me. You already knew I was a naive fawn in my rose forest, why didn't you let me be there? You had to pull me out and show me how cruel you too could be. It's silly that my only comeback and comfort is "At least he didn't leave me for one of my friends. At least he chose me. At least he didn't call me names or disrespected me." Because my ex before you broke me and I let him (I take responsibility in this behavior). Huh, My ex boyfriend, that man that after many years keeps choosing the same woman he left me for over me...Amiga, date cuenta. Acciones antes que palabras. Words mean nothing if your actions show opposite.
But there's always good and bad. Light and dark. I was light and then I became deep shadow inside of myself. And I was hurting and numb. And you ignored me. And you took me for granted. And you interrupted me and humiliated me. And I grew resentment. And I apologized.
I've cried a lot. I know I will cry more. I wonder if it hurts you as much as it hurts me. I don't really think so. Men and women are wired so differently.
I could spend the rest of my lifetime alone, whereas men can't spend one year alone or without fucking someone. You ask a man how many they've been alone or without fucking people and you'll see the survey results. Now I understand my grandmothers. This is draining, exhausting. I don't really want to love or give my body to anyone. It's not worth it. This broken heart at the end, not worth it. Happy times don't compensate this shitty pain. And I'm not like some of my friends who 2 months later one was already in a serious relationship and the other one was living with another man. I respect them for wanting to try again but each one grieve their own way. I can't even think of having a man close to me with those intentions. Like..eww get away from me. They treat you kind and loving at the beginning or as long as they haven't fucked you. That's just the reality. All can be so ephemeral, specially with low-effort people, who want everything with no effort or no inner work or relationship work at all.
To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I feel I've given up all hope. I don't either think I deserve happiness. And I won't find it because things I want can't be real.
My heart shattered when she died. I never could repair or rejoin the pieces of myself even though I tried. And My ex husband only broke it even more. Maybe he was right in the hurtful things he said and I'm no useful as a woman. I hope he's happy. I know. I'm sure he's already with another woman -which would explain why he kept hurting and rejecting me- being happy and that's good for him. I only always meant to respect his wishes when he told me to leave him alone.
I don't find happiness or fulfillness in couple relationship anymore. I tried "serious love" twice and both time I have failed successfully. No, I'm not interested in trying a third time. Spare me. Leave me alone with my wounded heart and nostalgic smile.
Since I know I can't be happy, at least I can aspire to at least be at peace or tranquility. My happy place used to be under a cherry tree, next to a creek, with mom who to me resembles love and protection and me being 5 or 6 years old, pure innocence, before I was abused. That's where mostly my mind takes me. I close my eyes and if I think of my future, I see myself now wearing a red spring dress, it has flowers on it. It's long, maybe a sun hat and a soft breeze. I'm kneel down on my garden, pulling out weeds, planting flowers, hearing music and the dog next to me.
Maybe one day you'll remember me and think of me, and you'll feel a pinch of regret, but I doubt that.
I don't wish this kind of pain to anyone. This kind of hurt. This is me crying, with my heart broken, with my past shattered, full of anger and deception. I don't want to say anything more, I don't see the point. I'm glad you can't reach out to me. If that's what you talk and say behind my back, to my family, friends and lawyer, I can only wonder what you'd say to me, because all you ever wanted and want is to hurt me. Right from your resentment, insatisfactions and emotional voids because your love was love as long as I was useful. But I'm no dumpster. And I want to keep silent, I want to only talk about you or this in my blog.
Your true colors. Disenchantment. At least he took responsibility for what he said, did or didn't. I'll give him that. And he called me home. And he recognized everything. But you didn't. But you don't. But you haven't, and tbh, I don't think you ever will. Because in your closed mind, you never did anything wrong and you were the perfect man and I was the crazy or bad person. Let me tell you something. You were not the perfect man. I know in your mind you see yourself above God, but that's not true. You keep talking shit and denying all your behavior, all your words. Now you're saying I abandoned my home..Bullshit. But You don't say everything I did before. How I didn't want to move but you ignored me, as you seldom did and I just had to respect your wishes. How you refused couple therapy. How even after I asked you to fix our marriage with counseling, all you said was I was no useful to you as a woman, that you didn't love me and to leave you alone so you could move on. How selective is your fucking memory. Do you think your lawyer doesn't tell me everything you say about me? How you are the angel perfect husband and i was the evil wife? You ungrateful fool. I didn't and I don't want anything from you and your uncaring ass. My lawyer is the one who did her job on her own. I didn't receive a word of love, tenderness, of understanding from you, only a "default message" on mom's death day. Just your superior behavior and looking down on me above your shoulder. Not anymore. Even yesterday I wanted you to come back, I wanted you with me. Not anymore. I don't want to see you again. After all is finished, I want you to stop contacting my family and my friends. I want you to stop sending one penny to the dog, cus guess what, he doesn't need anything. You pusillanimous.
Yo lo que quiero es ya no sentir. Quizás era cierto y la persona que amaba nunca existió en verdad, sino esta y yo era una tonta. Dejenme sola, preferiría morir.
I still dream of him. But I must say these dreams have changed over time. Dad said why do I wanna go back with him ? Back to someone who didn't really value me? I don't know. Because part of me still loves him.. I still think he's a good person.. and i was happy for most time. Because parts of me still lingers after the memories of happy times. Damn attachment style and co-dependence!
Antenoche soñé con él. Que estabámos juntos. Que volvíamos, pero nada cambiaba en la dinámica de nuestra relación. No siempre fue así. Obviamente al comienzo y durante un tiempo, we were such a nice match and happy couple, pero luego todo va cambiando. En el sueño Me seguía mirando por debajo del hombro. Me seguía haciendo sentir sin valor, no deseada, ni apreciada. Seguía interrumpiéndome cada que yo hablaba. Seguía refutando mis conocimientos. Seguía negando todo, sin tomar iniciativas, sin querer trabajar en nuestra relación, en nuestros problemas. Seguía con la manipulación económica hacia mí. Seguía revisando mi celular y haciéndome sentir mal. Y yo buscaba confianza, amor.. ser más que un chofer o una mensajera y ya. Quería demostración de afecto, no en el autopilot en el que él estaba. No en el abismo que yo estaba y que he tratado de mejorar..a mí misma.. a mis errores.. Yo seguía doliendo por dentro, como el último año hice terapia de pareja pero solo iba yo a las sesiones. Yo seguía con el resentimiento que a veces se volvía odio por dentro.. De como quería que el me viera con deseo y no solo como una cosa más por hacer. De como él poco notaba mis cambios.. mis tristezas..mi propio dolor... mi silencio. Como nunca hizo comentarios de esos cambios.. Como no dijo nada cuando dije que no era feliz.. Como solo mostró algo de reacción cuando creyó que yo ocultaba relaciones paralelas. Esto y más solo mostraba como en verdad no me conocía a profundidad. Como nunca me hablaba. Como ya yo hace tiempo no quería que me hiciera sexo oral porque nunca sentí que lo disfrutara y que solo lo hacía porque le tocaba. Pero no me preguntó porqué. No mostraba real interés en mí. Solo como me trataba, sintiendose superior que yo, a pesar que yo dejé y entregué todo a él y su crecimiento. Yo en verdad luego ya no fui una esposa, sólo un instrumento. Por eso nunca puso nada a mi nombre y solo habían excusas. Yo nunca fui una compañera, solo una sombra o una herramienta y ya. Una esposa trofeo. Para mostrar, le servía mientras yo funcionara y le fuera servil a lo que él necesitara, y sobretodo, callada. No se me olvida como esa vez me dijo "No me hagas pasar pena delante de mis amigos". Oh ok. Sigamos fingiendo que no hay problemas y metamoslos debajo de la alfombra, en el fondo del corazón, hasta que se rompa y ya no haya solución. Cuento como me preguntaba mi opinión pero al final solo hacía lo que él creía. Sabes cuando uno quiere salvar una relación, se nota. Cuando uno quiere seguir amando una persona, uno lucha. Cuando uno cree que algo vale la pena, perdona y trabaja con esfuerzo. Sin embargo.. esto ya estaba echado. No tengo mucho qué reclamar, porque quizás me enceguecí.. Después.. su indiferencia.. su falta de iniciativa..su pasividad.. terminan haciendote daño.
Yo pedí perdón, porque lejos de ser algo inmaculado. Si mi fantasía de volver con él se hiciera, seamos sinceros, volvería yo a herirme a mí misma, a quemarme por él, pero ya con un resentimiento dentro, sin olvidar los puñales que fueron sus palabras, su verdad, su ego, su rencor, su lastimarme adrede, su grosería, su ingratitud.
Todo esto es un contrafactual. Pero quiero pensar que con terapia podría funcionar. Decirle que no más de esta falta de comunicación. No más de controlarme y dominarme con el dinero. No más de esa desidia hacia nuestro matrimonio. No más de encender el amor con clics automatizados por una aplicación que te recuerda las fechas. Yo quería ver qué hacía él. Quería que me dijera "Vengo con un plan de trabajo.Vengo a cambiar la dinámica de esta relación. Vengo a decirte que he trabajado y quiero seguir esforzándome en las cosas que me dijiste que te dolían. Vengo a que en serio ambos pongamos de nuestra parte, sino podemos solos, con ayuda de consejería. Hablemos. Te molesta que solo yo tenga acceso al dinero? Lo comparto todo contigo. Te molesta que no hable de mí mismo y lo que siento? Puedo empezar a compartir. Te molesta que no te tengo en cuenta y no me importa lo que dices? trataré de escucharte sin interrumpir. Yo he crecido tanto gracias a ti. Ahora déjame ser tu apoyo y que tú crezcas y ambos seremos mejor." Pero nada de esto ocurrió. Solo un Vengo y con venir ya deberías volver a mí porque me da la gana. Y lo único que ofrezco es un "¿Segura quieres decidir así?" y ya. Y aún así..yo...le insistí.. le lloré.. le expresé mis deseos..mis esperanzas..mis traumas..nothing really mattered.
¿Ven porqué es necesario ver lo real de una persona y no el potencial? El potencial no existe.
Ni valí la pena para él. Yo tengo tanto que aprender. He vivido experiencias indeseables, no solo en mi infancia sino después. Hay que aprender a verme como quien realmente soy, a darme mi valor, a amarme así. Es muy complejo sentir que hay que empezar de nuevo. No preciso validación de él ni de nadie. Sino de mí. Mi líbido va super unido a mi conexión emocional, no solo con el otro sino conmigo misma. Quizás algún día vuelva a sentir algo dentro, lo dudo, y la verdad no me importa tanto.
Qué triste final. Qué triste estoy. Qué doloroso querer y amar a quien ya no le importas nada. Tristemente te desconozco. Desconsoladamente admito que tampoco me conociste. Qué decepción ver lo poco que me querías al final. Lo endeble del cariño que profesabas.
Yo lo que no quiero es estar al lado de alguien que no quiere estar conmigo, que no me valora. Qué equivocada estaba. Qué equivocada estuve en mi propio dolor. Me pregunto si alguna vez lograré superar. Quizás eventualmente con el tiempo. Pienso que no vale la pena. El corazón roto del final. No quiero volver a pasar por esto de nuevo. Los momentos felices no compensan este dolor. Tenía razón cuando te dije que es tan doloroso tener todo este cariño dentro y no poder dártelo, pero sobretodo, que no lo quieres ni lo necesitas ya. Y es que sabes, las acciones hablan más que las palabras. Yo estaba dispuesta igual.. A seguir intentando. Yo quería seguir aun cuando estuve un tiempo y también al final ya estaba remando sola en nuestra barca mientras tú ibas comodamente, siempre al minimo esfuerzo en la relación. Poco te importé, pero sobretodo, qué poco me valoraste, como mujer, como pareja, como compañera.
¿Porqué lloro tanto? ¿Porqué este dolor constante en el pecho por el amado? Ojalá hubiera tenido más suerte. Ojalá el amor de años hubiera sido más fuerte y no un cachorrito que muere. Ojalá hubiera sido más aguerrido, más voy a luchar hasta el final, esta vez los dos porque creo que vale la pena. Pero no fue así. Todo fue un.. amo más mi ego y mi rencor que a ti, la mujer que me entregó todo.
No soy perfecta, pero Yo valgo la pena. Aunque ni Diego ni tú lo pensaron de ese modo. Pero yo soy una mujer valiosa. Pero ya no más. I'm broken. Creo que prefiero la soledad. Romperse en pedazos por otro, no. No deseo volver a pasar por algo asi. La deslealtad de uno y la ingratitud del otro.
Cuántas más lágrimas me quedan, por el desamor, por la rabia, por la frustración, por los recuerdos, por el desasosiego, la impotencia, la depresión, el rechazo, el abandono, el desentendimiento, el desprecio.
Por qué no reconoces tus falencias, por qué no reconoces también tus errores. Hablas pero no dices el por qué. Me rompes el alma, igual qué puede importar, yo he muerto más veces. Yo nunca quise una vida sin ti hasta que tú mismo me pediste que te dejara solo y en paz y lo hice para respetar tus decisiones y ahora dices que yo lo hice, pero no dices que tú mismo me pediste eso. ¿Por qué eres así? Hablas y hablas.. Que yo iba a vivir y volver contigo, pero te rogué, te lloré, te insistí.. e incluso después que me heriste con sevicia, adrede, "Toma, ya sabes qué se siente. Yo solo quiero vengarme de ti porque no te quiero y quiero que sufras!".. seguía esperando un mensaje tuyo de reconciliación... Imagino que a nadie dirás lo que pedí una oportunidad, lo que pedí salvar la relación pero con trabajo MUTUO, no de un solo lado. Es que es eso.. no es fácil, no es en bandeja de plata como todo lo que te di sin pedir ni exigir nada. Esta vez si quería trabajo en ti mismo, en la relación, en mí, en nosotros.. No facilismo, ni mediocridad.. No. Requería enormes huevos, iniciativas propias, sin ser pusilánimes. Pero yo estaba sola incluso desde mucho antes. Me acostaba sola y acompañada a la vez. Qué ciego fuiste. Qué ciega era. Asumo todos mis errores, mis culpas y mis traumas.
Sin embargo, el solo hecho de pensar en volver a verte, es ponerme a llorar. Demasiados sentimientos, emociones. Hasta que las cosas que siento por ti no mueran, seguiré llorando y con esta carga en el pecho. Ignoro cuánto más será.
Espero estés contento. Espero estés satisfecho con la vida sin mí que tanto perseguías y anhelabas al no querer que yo hiciera parte de ella. Tú tienes tus amistades, yo era...todo y nada.
Me dejaste sola en mi oscuridad. Igual no es deber de nadie ayudar al otro o aguantarse la oscuridad y depresión y malas decisiones del otro, pero qué lindo cuando yo era luz y esa si te servía. Respetable.
Algún día saldré, ojalá más fuerte. Y Ojalá ya no llena de un mundo para compartirte, sino para alguien que sepa valorarme: Yo misma.
Hard day. First time in 12 years I won't send a message or give a present for his birthday.
Esta vez no habrá marcha atrás. Después de todo fue él a decirme que no.
Mi único consuelo sería que algún día o alguna vez se arrepienta o piense en mí, así yo no me entere nunca. (Y eso fue sólo mi ego hablando). Igual mi aspiración es no volver a verlo en años o lo que me quede de vida.
No me gusta estar donde ya me han dicho que no me quieren. Y él fue claro. "No quiero verte" "No quiero ningún vínculo contigo" "No me sirves como mujer" "No me hables" "Déjame en paz" and so forth.
¿Cómo saber si ya he superado a alguien? Cuando pueda ver su rostro o su nombre y no sienta nada adentro. Eso no pasa todavía porque si hablo de él, aún lloro. Si pienso en él, verlo o su nombre, aún siento cosas revolviéndose dentro: buenas y malas.
No le deseo mal en verdad. Lo que yo sienta es mi problema.
Feliz cumpleaños. Ojalá te vaya mejor que lo que fue a mi lado.
So, Around 13 years ago my heart was broken and I died of hurt and self loath.
I'm here with this song to remind you.. what he did and What you felt, in case you forget.
Do forgive and be at ease..and peace with yourself, but don't forget.
You know what they say, "sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time."
But we know he didn't miss.
You were reborn, not to be broken by the same man again who didn't value your worth as a woman and a partner.
I won't allow it.
Strong Enough
I don't need your sympathy There's nothing you can say or do for me And I don't want a miracle You'll never change for no one
And I hear your reasons why Where did you sleep last night? And was she worth it? Was she worth it?
'Cause I'm strong enough To live without you Strong enough And I quit crying Long enough Now I'm strong enough To know You gotta go
There's no more to say So save your breath And walk away No matter what I hear you say I'm strong enough To know You gotta go
So you feel misunderstood Well, baby, have I got news for you On being used I could write a book But you don't wanna hear about it
'Cause I've been losing sleep And you've been going cheap She ain't worth half of me It's true Now I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough To live without you Strong enough And I quit crying Long enough Now I'm strong enough To know You gotta go
Come hell or waters high You'll never see me cry This is our last goodbye, It's true I'm telling you
Now I'm strong enough To live without you Strong enough And I quit crying Long enough Now I'm strong enough To know You gotta go
There's no more to say So save your breath And walk away No matter what I hear you say I'm strong enough To know You gotta go
sábado, 4 de julio de 2020
Let's not go back to what broke you.
Just because you're thirsty, doesn't mean you have to drink poison.
¿O se le olvida todo lo que costó superar? Don't be so stupid.
No fue una casi muerte, he destroyed you.
You died and were reborn, don't smooth or justify that behavior ever again.
We're not doing that anymore.
We're not a rehab center.
We're not mothering anyone.
What are you doing? If you're starting to forget, let me remind you.
I'll keep doing this as long as it's necessary. Y es que fueron, fueron tus abrazos Que como sablazos me hicieron pedazos. Afiladas fueron tus miradas Quedé destrozada y en llanto inundada. Roja y Loca la flama de tu boca Me quemó y apagarme me toca. Empiezo una nueva vida, Un rompecabezas que tendré que armar. Bien lejos, lejos de su influjo De esa cruel fragancia que invadió mi ser. De la maleza surgieron tus promesas, Germinando tristeza en mi cabeza. Tu bajeza me tomó por sorpresa, Para lastimar, tienes mucha destreza. Qué delicia fueron tus caricias, Mala noticia era pura malicia. Empiezo una nueva vida, Un rompecabezas que tendré que armar. Bien lejos, lejos de su influjo, De esa extravagancia que torció mi fe. Ya no quiero ir hacia usted corriendo, Ya no quiero más gritar su nombre. Bien lejos, lejos de su influjo De la casi muerte que fue su querer.
No asshole, nunca quise formar un nuevo hogar. Tampoco tengo afán ni me interesa formar uno.
Ahora veo que no me conocías ni me entendías en verdad. Entender el dolor del otro, la frustración, la impotencia, el sufrimiento, la decepción, el sentirse hundido y perdido, en un abismo sin salida, la ausencia de vida y depresión. Pero yo reconozco mis culpas, mis responsabilidades, entre ellas, hacerte la vida fácil desde que nos conocimosy no haber pedido o exigido nada. Qué falta de cáracter la mía, la de ambos. Quizás debí haber vaticinado al haber sido yo la que pidió matrimonio y no al contrario, que talvez no iba a terminar bien..porque hacer ese tipo de ccosas requiere huevos. ¿Verdad? Pero Cosas obligadas o porque toca..como un cunnilingus porque toca.. y no porque se desee. La reciprocidad es linda si ambos desean y disfrutan, pero si es porque toca o una obligación, ya no, y eso se nota, se ve, se siente. Divago, pero eso es para otro día u post.
No tengo nada que vengar porque no me nace ser así y porque todos somos libres de decir No y nuestras decisiones deben ser respetadas. Y yo quiero hacer eso. Respetar su decisión de decirme que no.
Sin embargo, el corazón es terco y la mente te juega, mostrándote el pasado y el futuro que no existe. Por eso aún guardaba la esperanza que un día iba a recibir en la llamada o el mensaje "Sí quiere reconciliación." ¡Qué tonta eres!
Por eso voy a escribir esto, para recordarle a mi mente y a mi corazón que la persona que querían ya no existe, pero si existe esta, que es la real que hay ahora, para ti, para mostrarte el agradecimiento que siente hacia ti y tu familia y la vida que le diste.
Para que dejes de querer y te desencantes de una buena vez. Que él actuó como su padre y apenas se alejó de ti, se desentendió totalmente de ti y su responsabilidad para contigo. ¿cuál responsabilidad? ¿tuve una esposa, qué es eso? ¿le debo yo algo a esa mujer? Tú le extrañas y lloras por él, deja de ser tan estúpida, que él ya ha dicho que:
No quiere nada conmigo. No quiere ningún vínculo conmigo. Quiere que lo deje en paz y no le vuelva a hablar para él seguir adelante con su vida. Ya no te quiere. Y sobretodo, YA no le sirves como mujer. Porque si, tú solo eras un objeto para mostrar y usar a conveniencia no una persona con valor propio. ¿Creías que te quería por ser tú? No, te quería por lo que hacías por él y para él. ¿Creías que tenías una opinión o derecho a algo o a deprimirte? Pues No mi ciela.
Pero sobretodo, como el machista soterrado que tú te negabas a ver dijo;
Que el esa plata solo te la estaba regalando. Que toda la plata y las cosaas eran de él porque era su dinero, el las había comprado con su plata y su trabajo.
¿Querías más? ¿Querías que te rompiera el corazón? Ahí está. Todos los años, la entrega, la dedicación de tu familia, de ti, de cariño para hacerle la vida fácil, para apoyarlo, para que él creciera, no le faltaras, no son nada, no eras nada, porque él se hizo solo. Y tú qué creías que nada podía doler más.
Por un lado, admirable esa fuerza de voluntad de desaparecer de su vida como él quería, de no regresar a tu vida familiar, perder tus propias redes sociales y tus contactos, a cerrar y no volver a revisar todos tus emails, a no escribirle o hablarle a pesar de que lo extrañes. Pero ¿qué extrañas? Extrañas a alguien que hace tiempo dejó de existir. Extrañas al que tú querías, al que creías te quería. Entendible. Todavía el solo hecho de verlo o leer su nombre es un vacío en el estómago y un golpe de dolor, un puñal en la costilla, sal en la herida y lágrimas sin control. Porque lo que más te duele es que no puedes conciliar quien es esa persona hoy. Como te demuestra que no le importas y no te tiene consideración alguna, a pesar de haber vivido contigo y conocer el pasado.
Ya nisiquiera puedes oír muchas canciones, ni ver programas, ni jugar juegos, ni comer ciertas comidas, porque te lo recuerda. Pero qué pendeja leal y apegada eres. Snap out of it!
Tú creías que él iba a mostrar que el amor era más grande y dejar de lado el rencor, el orgullo y sentirse con ganas de verte volver y te iba a recibir con un "Te perdoné" de Celedón o un Cartagena de Fonseca. Pero no, mejor te castigo, te hiero y vete como una vil Gata bajo la lluvia.
Sin embargo, tú deberías saber que eventualmente, algún día, no puedo asegurarte cuándo, pero un día, quizás la idea de verlo o leer su nombre ya no te haga llorar.
Mírate, ya puedes sostener una conversación con tu exnovio y ver su nombre sin que duela. ¿Cuánto tiempo tomó? Patience and be brave.
Saying goodbye
Is never an easy thing But you never said that you'd stay forever So if you must go
Well, darlin', I'll set you free But I know in time that we'll be together
I won't try to stop you now from leaving
'Cause in my heart I know
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won't be long
One of these days our love will lead you back
One of these nights
Well I'll hear your voice again
You're gonna say, oh how much you missed me
You'll walk out this door
But someday you'll walk back in
Darling I know, I know this will be
Sometimes it takes, sometime out on your own now
To find your way back home
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won't be long
One of these days our love will lead you back, oh
I won't try to stop you now from leaving
'Cause in my heart I know, oh yeah
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I'm sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won't be long
One of these days our love will lead you back, oh yeah
Love will lead you back
Someday I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
It won't be long
Yo moría poco a poco frente a ti. Me abandonaste en mis peores momentos y eso jamás lo voy a olvidar. Pero yo vivía enamorada y buscaba de alguien que ya no era.
No puedo ni pensar en llamar amor o cielo a alguien más porque eso es tuyo. Nisiquiera en tomar la mano para entrelazar los dedos de otra persona. ¿Qué es siempre o toda la vida?
Dos veces he amado y dos veces he terminado así. Quizás soy la tonta. Y sé que no debo poner mi valor en los demás, pero qué dificil desligarlo y no hacerlo personal. Que tu amor estaba pegado con babas. Que era un cachorro y no un doggo maduro y fuerte.
Yo solo te servía mientras yo fuese útil y servil. But when I broke down I was no longer useful to you.
En verdad no querías mejorar ni a ti mismo, ni luchar ni en ese entonces ni después. Casi siempre el minimo esfuerzo, incluso en una relación.
It takes months to heal from a surgery, then how long must it be for a broken heart?
You probably think that you are better now, better now
You only say that 'cause I'm not around, not around
You know I never meant to let you down, let you down
Woulda gave you anything, woulda gave you everything
You know I say that I am better now, better now
I only say that 'cause you're not around, not around
You know I never meant to let you down, let you down
Woulda gave you anything, woulda gave you everything
I promise
I swear to you, I'll be okay
You're only the love of my life (love of my life)
Me estás robando todo aquello que te dí, mi ternura, mi inocencia, mi perdón.
Qué ironía, qué dolor. Quererte tanto pero aún decirte adiós.
De vez en cuando piensa en mí.
No me vuelvo a enamorar, me resigno a la verdad. Y aunque me entregue, no me vuelvo a enamorar. This heart and feelings just kept dying.
Eres un imbécil. Esa mujer te amaba.
Diganme que no soy la única que siente que no va a volver a amar.
No me interesa nisiquiera volver a intentarlo. ¿para qué?
No quiero. Y no creo que tampoco haya nadie para mí.Al final, cuando llega la hora de la prueba, son solo palabras.
Yo me equivoqué, porque yo pensé que me quería más y al final, no. Fui usada. A su beneficio.
Yo de aquí salgo como entré -excepto que una experiencia emocional más. y Amarga, como la anterior-. En cambio él no. Como le cambió su vida para bien.
Lo que más duele es, lo que me causa dolor, no poder conciliar su caída del pedestal. Ver sus true colors. La ingratitud, qué feo.
En fin, así pasa. Las relaciones interpersonales no son fáciles.
Time flies.
I've learned that some wounds can be healed by you..but other wounds can only be healed by those who caused them.
We both made mistakes and had our wrongs, and hurt.
Tell me, are you healing this wound you made just to cause me a new one?
Am I giving you a second bullet?
No. I won't do that again.
Today is a special day.
But a sad day.
I'm speechless. I should be writing, but I can't write, or put into feelings what I feel.
Missing and missing. Dead people, gone people, changed people, past people.
As time pass by, i feel reassured that my fate is to be better off alone. I tried but thinking I could do otherwise was naive.
And all this I can't seem to handle.
Most of the past 11 years, I was loved and I'd like to believe I made other feel loved too. I was lucky, hence I can die in peace. I still would like to die in my sleep -but who wouldn't?-
I think life should be like a trade coin.
Some people want to live and some of us want to die.
So, to those who want to live eagerly or are sick or whatever, they want to live and us who want to die, we should trade life.
Like... I should put my hand on someone who wants to live and they on me and they take my life and me the death.
Doesn't it sound FAIR?
But life isn't fair.. I remember him saying that... I should have paid more atenttion...
Estar aquí. Being here. Such bad and unpleasant triggers. Last time I was here, in this waiting room, for her.... her last days on this earth...then I saw her die. I've found out I can't be here.. But, is here my city or my body/mind or this life? What if my life ends and I won't be with her? What does she mean to me? Everything. Protection, unconditional love, peace, care, happiness. Why do I have to keep living? Im not the chosen one. And they, they only want to use you for their own convenience. Men disappoint me. And me, I haven't improved at all. I continue being the same fool, even though I try to deny it. I have the same problems, the same issues. What's with my inner child traumas I can't seem to heal these past wounds and I continue to attract the same people and make the same mistakes. It's as if I haven't learned. But I also wonder, why aren't I the chosen one? Why so many times someone else? Can't say "always" because for once, i was chosen and i was reciprocated. But was I really. I make the world out of nothing at all. Wish I could stumble upon someone who'd appreciate my singing, as the lyrics say.
I'm tired and sleepy. I wish I could sleep forever, so I could numb this emotional ache and ease this unkind mind of mine. I see my father, and I want to tell him if he'd like to die with me. If I ask him, would he say yes? Does he also think there's nothing to live for? He seems so strong and resilient, unlike me. I can't wait to escape and find the way out of living, of the pain, so in order for me to live I have to numb my mind and feelings with antidepressants? That's just sad, I rather be dead. I've done it quite well cus everyone has bought into this facade of smile and pretend I've put through. My dad's car is old..(although not as old as I'd want it to be) it will do. Gotta get all Habachi stuff. I just have to wait the chance where he parks it in the garage.
She was beautiful and yet she chose to die. What's left for me? ¿Qué queda para mí?
I want to think of my father. Of my family. of My friends. But the pain inside my chest it's big. And it seems that My brain is my worst enemy. Because I keep breaking my own heart. It's delusional. I am stupid.. for seeing things that aren't really there. I feel worthless, unpretty, which maybe is why this keeps happening.
I don't want more of this. I'm back where I was... to a subzero level. Beneath the floor. I thought we could lift each other.
It's been 12 years since my first death. Also died when they burnt her.
But here I am again, living my third death with so much agony, with an alike pain, with this heartache, feeling like you walk with broken ribs. Even more than before. Before I was young and had my life in front of me, had both of my parents, my family. This time, I'm old.. and weaker.
Who's to blame but myself.
I must admit my wrong choices in course of actions due to my cowardice and inner unhealed wounds, childhood traumas, egocentric ways have led me to this outcome.
Where everyday its like a punishment for having hurted the man who loved me and who I loved. He will always be man of my life.
To be honest, I don't want anything at all.
It's been 3 shitty years. I thought 2019 was gonna be my year, to try new things, to improve myself but it has been quite the opposite. Life just keeps showing you that everything can be or get worse, just look at me and this life.
Soon its gonna be my birthday, and i think it's the worst birthday ever. Oddly, my birthday wishes are the same: a time machine, a hug from my mother or death.
Because, see, I really don't have a purpose or a reason to live anymore. He shouldn't know or read this, but I don't see myself as a valuable being, i am stupid and the worst woman ever. I'm not beautiful or a good woman, but.
I've decided that I've lived long enough. I always wanted to die young. And 36 years old is a nice age to leave.
Between God and me there's a bifurcation. We've parted ways.
if I say something else, I do believe my punishment has been way greater than my crime.
People talk, they don't know, they don't understand. All they say it's like "Get over it. It's been some time already". They don't live inside, they don't have to dwell, their brain is not the one ruminating, their mind is not their worst enemy. I have to live inside this body with this mind.
Nevertheless, I am going to try to pretend as I did before, that everything is better, try to smile so to get them off my back cus they watch over me so i won't kill myself.
Maybe I do need help. I know my dad would be sad and maybe destroy his life. I don't think so. He's strong, and resilient, and he has other sons, and grandchildren.
I don't really have anything.
He broke my heart but I broke his, so I guess i deserve it. But, I don't deserve another chance to prove..? to prove..what?
I haven't changed... i have love towards him.. but im gonna drag him into this hell of a mess i am inside. Is it fair to him? Or am I being selfish or egocentric again?
I could say, lemme love you. But I don't love myself. I'm not worthy of love. I wasn't the chosen one after all. I love him, I want him to be happy.. and will he be happy with me? He didn't give me a chance cus I'm not worthy nor beautiful enough. and I deserve to feel this pain, this heartache, as consequence of my actions.
But I'm not strong enough to face them. I'm a weakling with deep emotional pain and filled with guilt and regrets.
Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila Sobre una alfombra de hierba Ibas volando dormida Un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida Con una lágrima tuya y una lágrima mía ¡Iluminada y eterna enfurecida y tranquila Sobre una alfombra de hierba Ibas volando dormida Con una estrella fugaz te confundí la otra noche Y te pedí tres deseos mientras duraba tu luz! Déjame llorar, déjame llorar por ti, déjame llorar, uhh Cuántas nostalgias durmiendo en el desván He declarado mi vida en soledad
.
Portar, traer, dar. Sólo podemos dar de lo que traemos en nosotros.
Yo no creo poder dar cosas buenas.
¿Qué traigo? ¿Qué porto? Ansiedad, Preocupación, Frustración, Culpa, Arrepentimiento, Resentimiento, Rabia, Tristeza.. En fin, No porto Felicidad, Alegría ni Amor.
Mi mayor deseo es un día despertar y ver que la vida que ha pasado fue un sueño, y de nuevo tengo otra oportunidad, ya sea a los 18 años o a los 20 años. Una segunda oportunidad. Pero los días pasan, duermo y me sigo despertando aquí. ¿Alguien más piensa que la única salida hacia sus sueños verdaderos o felicidad es morir y volver a nacer? Ya la vida está echada, avanzada, atrapada, ya para mí es tarde en estas circunstancias; que no son más que consecuencias de mis propias decisiones, cobardía y engaño.
