Back to black

 I'm sad and broken.. no wonder he didn't want me.

It's sad to know and to feel that you'll never be happy again. That nothing you do can make you feel fulfilled. I think I am only happy or feel my heart in my dreams. I haven't been able to puzzle my heart and life pieces back together. Only some of it, the minimum to continue living. To me, that I can't trust others with my feelings..to me it's heartbreaking that I can only see her in my dreams. Last night I dreamt of her. I was happy. I was smiling and laughing from the heart, not just out of the moment. I was with mom buying her shoes. I already know what shoes she likes, I don't care mom if you always pick the same ones. I love sharing my time with you. Seeing you smile and hearing your laugh. Then you got tired and sat on a mall bench. I was excited, I wanted to show you something.
Tell me about when I wake up knowing I'll never be able to see you, feel you or live with you ever again. I wanted to see you live longer, grow old, you becoming a granny. Sure, I'm grateful for the time given..but for me nothing is the same. I live in deep grief. 

It hurts me that my husband whom I thought was the man of my life didn't understand that, but it's unfair to ask him to stay ..to what? to make his life miserable as mine is? as a shell?

Therapist: Do you love her or is she useful?

The answer is: I know you didn't love me, I was only useful. Maybe at the beginning you did love me but then it turned out into not love.

I want you to know, Mr. Lion, that I've cried every day. That I've missed you every single day. Sometimes I cry out of anger, out of sadness, out of love, out of deception, out of frustration, out of hate, out of regret, out of resignation. That I may return everything if that makes it for a different outcome. I'm wearing my bleeding heart on my sleeve. People ask if we've talked. No. And I say I doubt we will ever talk again, maybe in years, maybe never. And about what? Sometimes I think I said all I had to say, maybe add or remove details. I think you also said all you wanted to say freely (I'm not the one who used to interrupt the other while they were talking).

But, since nothing really matters anymore and all this blog is for myself and my own healing journey, I'm going to write some silly dreams or expectations I had.
When you came to see me.. I thought you'd come by your own initiative.. with purpose.. I imagined you sitting down and saying.. I come to bring a work plan on this relationship. I wanna work on me. I wanna work on us. I want you to work on yourself. Let's do counseling together. I know what hurts and bothers you cus you've been saying it for the past 2 years nonstop. I can tell youre hurting, unhappy, confused..  Maybe not entirely my fault, maybe some part. Maybe you need time to be with yourself.. But I want to show you im willing to make a big effort in this marriage. Not anymore  looking down on you. Not anymore not giving your place. Not anymore humilationg you. Not anymore controlling you with the money. Not anymore taking you for granted. Not anymore not valuing you. Not anymore making you feel unwanted. Im willing to go to therapy, Im willing to communicate. But no.. All I got was "Are you sure you want this? I already saw a lawyer." "I don't want to separate." And that was it. And while I was here not once you talked to me in a passionate or naughty way or asked to see my body.. You stopped wanting me long time ago and that hurted me as a woman and my self esteem deeply.
Still, I waited. But since I noticed that was not gonna happen, I did some more work on me as I continue doing. I wanted to come back and all I got were rocks thrown at. Maybe I deserved that. Really?
When we met back home.. I thought You'd say "You were horrible. And I was mediocre. Let's try, step by step, but slowly, and with impartial help. We can't seem to reconcile on our own with our wounds, expectations and unsatisfied needs.. Nevertheless, I think this marriage deserves a chance, but with effort, but with work from BOTH of us, not only from one side." I did the fucking couple therapy alone for one year!!!!!!!! But Again, I didn't get a chance but I got a "I no longer love you. You're not useful to me as a woman and leave me alone so I can move on with my life."

I know. I'm aware you no longer love me. I know you stopped loving me even before all the shit even though you deny it. I just need time. I need more time. I hope when you receive the signed divorce papers, you'll be happy. You got your freedom of me, the same woman that made you wed. Didn't I ever tell you the story that on my birthday I thought you were going to ask me to marry you? Hahaha I was so stupid back then :) Thinking you'd do that on your own..as if you had the will. Anyway, again, sorry for forcing you into marrying me and putting that pressure on. Sorry for everything.

A red spring dress hides a bleeding heart.

Every day is more empty than the one before.

I don't really care about the money. I'd give it all back if it meant you'd return. I'm quite aware you didn't love me enough. I'm aware you don't love me anymore. Then again why do I want you back? Why do I want someone who doesn't love me?

Why didn't you leave me alone when you saw my photo with the bird? You should have let me be. I was not looking for a boyfriend, for a partner. You should have left me alone if at the end you were going to leave me worse than as you found me. You already knew I was a naive fawn in my rose forest, why didn't you let me be there? You had to pull me out and show me how cruel you too could be. It's silly that my only comeback and comfort is "At least he didn't leave me for one of my friends. At least he chose me. At least he didn't call me names or disrespected me." Because my ex before you broke me and I let him (I take responsibility in this behavior). Huh, My ex boyfriend, that man that after many years keeps choosing the same woman he left me for over me...Amiga, date cuenta. Acciones antes que palabras. Words mean nothing if your actions show opposite.

But there's always good and bad. Light and dark. I was light and then I became deep shadow inside of myself. And I was hurting and numb. And you ignored me. And you took me for granted. And you interrupted me and humiliated me. And I grew resentment. And I apologized.

I've cried a lot. I know I will cry more. I wonder if it hurts you as much as it hurts me. I don't really think so. Men and women are wired so differently. 

I could spend the rest of my lifetime alone, whereas men can't spend one year alone or without fucking someone. You ask a man how many they've been alone or without fucking people and you'll see the survey results. Now I understand my grandmothers. This is draining, exhausting. I don't really want to love or give my body to anyone. It's not worth it. This broken heart at the end, not worth it. Happy times don't compensate this shitty pain. And I'm not like some of my friends who 2 months later one was already in a serious relationship and the other one was living with another man. I respect them for wanting to try again  but each one grieve their own way. I can't even think of having a man close to me with those intentions. Like..eww get away from me. They treat you kind and loving at the beginning or as long as they haven't fucked you. That's just the reality. All can be so ephemeral, specially with low-effort people, who want everything with no effort or no inner work or relationship work at all.

To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I feel I've given up all hope. I don't either think I deserve happiness. And I won't find it because things I want can't be real.

My heart shattered when she died. I never could repair or rejoin the pieces of myself even though I tried. And My ex husband only broke it even more. Maybe he was right in the hurtful things he said and I'm no useful as a woman. I hope he's happy. I know. I'm sure he's already with another woman -which would explain why he kept hurting and rejecting me- being happy and that's good for him. I only always meant to respect his wishes when he told me to leave him alone.
 

I don't find happiness or fulfillness in couple relationship anymore. I tried "serious love" twice and both time I have failed successfully. No, I'm not interested in trying a third time. Spare me. Leave me alone with my wounded heart and nostalgic smile.

Since I know I can't be happy, at least I can aspire to at least be at peace or tranquility. My happy place used to be under a cherry tree, next to a creek, with mom who to me resembles love and protection and me being 5 or 6 years old, pure innocence, before I was abused. That's where mostly my mind takes me.
I close my eyes and if I think of my future, I see myself now wearing a red spring dress, it has flowers on it. It's long, maybe a sun hat and a soft breeze. I'm kneel down on my garden, pulling out weeds, planting flowers, hearing music and the dog next to me.

Maybe one day you'll remember me and think of me, and you'll feel a pinch of regret, but I doubt that.

Bleeding-heart pigeon.

I want No more pain.

I don't wish this kind of pain to anyone. This kind of hurt. This is me crying, with my heart broken, with my past shattered, full of anger and deception.
I don't want to say anything more, I don't see the point. I'm glad you can't reach out to me. If that's what you talk and say behind my back, to my family, friends and lawyer, I can only wonder what you'd say to me, because all you ever wanted and want is to hurt me. Right from your resentment, insatisfactions and emotional voids because your love was love as long as I was useful. But I'm no dumpster. And I want to keep silent, I want to only talk about you or this in my blog.

Your true colors. Disenchantment. At least he took responsibility for what he said, did or didn't. I'll give him that. And he called me home. And he recognized everything. But you didn't. But you don't. But you haven't, and tbh, I don't think you ever will. Because in your closed mind, you never did anything wrong and you were the perfect man and I was the crazy or bad person. Let me tell you something. You were not the perfect man. I know in your mind you see yourself above God, but that's not true.
You keep talking shit and denying all your behavior, all your words. Now you're saying I abandoned my home..Bullshit. But You don't say everything I did before. How I didn't want to move but you ignored me, as you seldom did and I just had to respect your wishes. How you refused couple therapy. How even after I asked you to fix our marriage with counseling, all you said was I was no useful to you as a woman, that you didn't love me and to leave you alone so you could move on. How selective is your fucking memory.
Do you think your lawyer doesn't tell me everything you say about me? How you are the angel perfect husband and i was the evil wife? You ungrateful fool. I didn't and I don't want anything from you and your uncaring ass. My lawyer is the one who did her job on her own.
I didn't receive a word of love, tenderness, of understanding from you, only a "default message" on mom's death day. Just your superior behavior and looking down on me above your shoulder. Not anymore. Even yesterday I wanted you to come back, I wanted you with me. Not anymore.
I don't want to see you again. After all is finished, I want you to stop contacting my family and my friends. I want you to stop sending one penny to the dog, cus guess what, he doesn't need anything. You pusillanimous.

Yo lo que quiero es ya no sentir. Quizás era cierto y la persona que amaba nunca existió en verdad, sino esta y yo era una tonta. Dejenme sola, preferiría morir.

Dreams

 I still dream of him. But I must say these dreams have changed over time.
Dad said why do I wanna go back with him ? Back to someone who didn't really value me? I don't know. Because part of me still loves him.. I still think he's a good person.. and i was happy for most time. Because parts of me still lingers after the memories of happy times. Damn attachment style and co-dependence!

Antenoche soñé con él. Que estabámos juntos. Que volvíamos, pero nada cambiaba en la dinámica de nuestra relación. No siempre fue así. Obviamente al comienzo y durante un tiempo, we were such a nice match and happy couple, pero luego todo va cambiando.
En el sueño Me seguía mirando por debajo del hombro. Me seguía haciendo sentir sin valor, no deseada, ni apreciada. Seguía interrumpiéndome cada que yo hablaba. Seguía refutando mis conocimientos. Seguía negando todo, sin tomar iniciativas, sin querer trabajar en nuestra relación, en nuestros problemas. Seguía con la manipulación económica hacia mí. Seguía revisando mi celular y haciéndome sentir mal. Y yo buscaba confianza, amor.. ser más que un chofer o una mensajera y ya. Quería demostración de afecto, no en el autopilot en el que él estaba. No en el abismo que yo estaba y que he tratado de mejorar..a mí misma.. a mis errores.. Yo seguía doliendo por dentro, como el último año hice terapia de pareja pero solo iba yo a las sesiones. Yo seguía con el resentimiento que a veces se volvía odio por dentro.. De como quería que el me viera con deseo y no solo como una cosa más por hacer. De como él poco notaba mis cambios.. mis tristezas..mi propio dolor... mi silencio.
Como nunca hizo comentarios de esos cambios.. Como no dijo nada cuando dije que no era feliz.. Como solo mostró algo de reacción cuando creyó que yo ocultaba relaciones paralelas. Esto y más solo mostraba como en verdad no me conocía a profundidad. Como nunca me hablaba.  Como ya yo hace tiempo no quería que me hiciera sexo oral porque nunca sentí que lo disfrutara y que solo lo hacía porque le tocaba. Pero no me preguntó porqué. No mostraba real interés en mí. Solo como me trataba, sintiendose superior que yo, a pesar que yo dejé y entregué todo a él y su crecimiento.  Yo en verdad luego ya no fui una esposa, sólo un instrumento. Por eso nunca puso nada a mi nombre y solo habían excusas. Yo nunca fui una compañera, solo una sombra o una herramienta y ya. Una esposa trofeo. Para mostrar, le servía mientras yo funcionara y le fuera servil a lo que él necesitara, y sobretodo, callada. No se me olvida como esa vez me dijo "No me hagas pasar pena delante de mis amigos". Oh ok. Sigamos fingiendo que no hay problemas y metamoslos debajo de la alfombra, en el fondo del corazón, hasta que se rompa y ya no haya solución.
Cuento como me preguntaba mi opinión pero al final solo hacía lo que él creía. Sabes cuando uno quiere salvar una relación, se nota. Cuando uno quiere seguir amando una persona, uno lucha. Cuando uno cree que algo vale la pena, perdona y trabaja con esfuerzo. Sin embargo.. esto ya estaba echado. No tengo mucho qué reclamar, porque quizás me enceguecí..
Después.. su indiferencia.. su falta de iniciativa..su pasividad.. terminan haciendote daño. 

Yo pedí perdón, porque lejos de ser algo inmaculado.
Si mi fantasía de volver con él se hiciera, seamos sinceros, volvería yo a herirme a mí misma, a quemarme por él, pero ya con un resentimiento dentro, sin olvidar los puñales que fueron sus palabras, su verdad, su ego, su rencor, su lastimarme adrede, su grosería, su ingratitud. 

Todo esto es un contrafactual. Pero quiero pensar que con terapia podría funcionar. Decirle que no más de esta falta de comunicación. No más de controlarme y dominarme con el dinero. No más de esa desidia hacia nuestro matrimonio. No más de encender el amor con clics automatizados por una aplicación que te recuerda las fechas. Yo quería ver qué hacía él. Quería que me dijera "Vengo con un plan de trabajo.Vengo a cambiar la dinámica de esta relación. Vengo a decirte que he trabajado y quiero seguir esforzándome en las cosas que me dijiste que te dolían. Vengo a que en serio ambos pongamos de nuestra parte, sino podemos solos, con ayuda de consejería. Hablemos. Te molesta que solo yo tenga acceso al dinero? Lo comparto todo contigo. Te molesta que no hable de mí mismo y lo que siento? Puedo empezar a compartir. Te molesta que no te tengo en cuenta y no me importa lo que dices? trataré de escucharte sin interrumpir. Yo he crecido tanto gracias a ti. Ahora déjame ser tu apoyo y que tú crezcas y ambos seremos mejor."
Pero nada de esto ocurrió. Solo un Vengo y con venir ya deberías volver a mí porque me da la gana. Y lo único que ofrezco es un "¿Segura quieres decidir así?" y ya. Y aún así..yo...le insistí.. le lloré.. le expresé mis deseos..mis esperanzas..mis traumas..nothing really mattered.

¿Ven porqué es necesario ver lo real de una persona y no el potencial? El potencial no existe.

Ni valí la pena para él. Yo tengo tanto que aprender. He vivido experiencias indeseables, no solo en mi infancia sino después. Hay que aprender a verme como quien realmente soy, a darme mi valor, a amarme así. Es muy complejo sentir que hay que empezar de nuevo. No preciso validación de él ni de nadie. Sino de mí. Mi líbido va super unido a mi conexión emocional, no solo con el otro sino conmigo misma. Quizás algún día vuelva a sentir algo dentro, lo dudo, y la verdad no me importa tanto.

My hands are always cold cus I'm dead inside.

Pure Sadness

 ¡Oh Amado!

Qué triste final. Qué triste estoy. Qué doloroso querer y amar a quien ya no le importas nada. Tristemente te desconozco. Desconsoladamente admito que tampoco me conociste. Qué decepción ver lo poco que me querías al final. Lo endeble del cariño que profesabas.

Yo lo que no quiero es estar al lado de alguien que no quiere estar conmigo, que no me valora. Qué equivocada estaba. Qué equivocada estuve en mi propio dolor. Me pregunto si alguna vez lograré superar. Quizás eventualmente con el tiempo. Pienso que no vale la pena. El corazón roto del final. No quiero volver a pasar por esto de nuevo. Los momentos felices no compensan este dolor.
Tenía razón cuando te dije que es tan doloroso tener todo este cariño dentro y no poder dártelo, pero sobretodo, que no lo quieres ni lo necesitas ya. Y es que sabes, las acciones hablan más que las palabras.
Yo estaba dispuesta igual.. A seguir intentando. Yo quería seguir  aun cuando estuve un tiempo y también al final ya estaba remando sola en nuestra barca mientras tú ibas comodamente, siempre al minimo esfuerzo en la relación. Poco te importé, pero sobretodo, qué poco me valoraste, como mujer, como pareja, como compañera.

¿Porqué lloro tanto? ¿Porqué este dolor constante en el pecho por el amado? Ojalá hubiera tenido más suerte. Ojalá el amor de años hubiera sido más fuerte y no un cachorrito que muere. Ojalá hubiera sido más aguerrido, más voy a luchar hasta el final, esta vez los dos porque creo que vale la pena. Pero no fue así. Todo fue un.. amo más mi ego y mi rencor que a ti, la mujer que me entregó todo.

No soy perfecta, pero Yo valgo la pena. Aunque ni Diego ni tú lo pensaron de ese modo. Pero yo soy una mujer valiosa. Pero ya no más. I'm broken. Creo que prefiero la soledad. Romperse en pedazos por otro, no. No deseo volver  a pasar por algo asi. La deslealtad de uno y la ingratitud del otro. 

Cuántas más lágrimas me quedan, por el desamor, por la rabia, por la frustración, por los recuerdos, por el desasosiego, la impotencia, la depresión, el rechazo, el abandono, el desentendimiento, el desprecio. 

Por qué no reconoces tus falencias, por qué no reconoces también tus errores. Hablas pero no dices el por qué. Me rompes el alma, igual qué puede importar, yo he muerto más veces. Yo nunca quise una vida sin ti hasta que tú mismo me pediste que te dejara solo y en paz y lo hice para respetar tus decisiones y ahora dices que yo lo hice, pero no dices que tú mismo me pediste eso. ¿Por qué eres así?
Hablas y hablas.. Que yo iba a vivir y volver contigo, pero te rogué, te lloré, te insistí.. e incluso después que me heriste con sevicia, adrede, "Toma, ya sabes qué se siente. Yo solo quiero vengarme de ti porque no te quiero y quiero que sufras!".. seguía esperando un mensaje tuyo de reconciliación... Imagino que a nadie dirás lo que pedí una oportunidad, lo que pedí salvar la relación pero con trabajo MUTUO, no de un solo lado. Es que es eso.. no es fácil, no es en bandeja de plata como todo lo que te di sin pedir ni exigir nada. Esta vez si quería trabajo en ti mismo, en la relación, en mí, en nosotros.. No facilismo, ni mediocridad.. No. Requería enormes huevos, iniciativas propias, sin ser pusilánimes. Pero yo estaba sola incluso desde mucho antes. Me acostaba sola y acompañada a la vez. Qué ciego fuiste. Qué ciega era. Asumo todos mis errores, mis culpas y mis traumas.

Sin embargo, el solo hecho de pensar en volver a verte, es ponerme a llorar. Demasiados sentimientos, emociones. Hasta que las cosas que siento por ti no mueran, seguiré llorando y con esta carga en el pecho. Ignoro cuánto más será. 

Espero estés contento. Espero estés satisfecho con la vida sin mí que tanto perseguías y anhelabas al no querer que yo hiciera parte de ella.  Tú tienes tus amistades, yo era...todo y nada.

Me dejaste sola en mi oscuridad. Igual no es deber de nadie ayudar al otro o aguantarse la oscuridad y depresión y malas decisiones del otro, pero qué lindo cuando yo era luz y esa si te servía. Respetable. 

Algún día saldré, ojalá más fuerte. Y Ojalá ya no llena de un mundo para compartirte, sino para alguien que sepa valorarme: Yo misma.