But I was curious.

I wanted to know, but true is that I didn't want to know.
I feel sad, and I have every right to be sad. I say to myself "Mari, I am sorry". When I take a shower I say.. I feel sorry.. I am sorry.. I will be sad for a long time. And I will find myself missing things I used to have.
It was one of the hardest conversations and words I've ever had to read in my life. But as you create good memories, you create bad ones as much as I wanted to avoid them. As if I needed more bad memories in my life.

But oh well, what can one do. I put down my facebook. It brought me lot of troubles and I don't want to see other people happiness. If I won't be happy, I don't want to be hypocrite, so I just better stay out and live my own life.
I want to be alone and away from lot of people. I want to cry and be sad as long as I need to.
Cuanta dulzura diluyéndose en el tiempo. Cuantas nostalgias, durmiendo en el desván. He declarado mi vida en soledad. Un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida. Déjame llorar...

LP

Hoy le dije a alguien que me preguntó, cosas especificas, como me gusta que me pregunten.
Hay cosas que uno no supera. Como por ejemplo el trauma, o algunos recuerdos o algunas cosas que uno quería.
Uno a veces cree que en verdad puede superar todo, pero no se puede. De pronto con tantos años se pueda. Cada persona es diferente, siente y piensa distinto.
En el fondo, yo he vivido una vida obscura, que me ha llevado a aprender lecciones distintas. Que me ha llevado a ser como soy, a ser tan desconfiada como soy. Puede que me pierda de algunas cosas, pero me ahorro otras. Y si en mi búsqueda de ahorrarme sufrimientos, me pierdo de otras o lastimo a alguien, ¿a quien puedo culpar? Si cada forma de obrar va con el pasado y el presente. Además, es necesario conocer la historia para no repetirla, pero es tan difícil hacer. Es tan fácil decir y es tan difícil cumplir. Por eso uno debe callar. Yo soñaba cosas únicas. Yo creía ser única, pero uno se estrella contra la realidad. Y se halla con ser solo reemplazable. Yo creo que eso de "No hay nadie como tú" puede llegar a ser verdad. Nadie tiene mis ojos, ni mi voz, ni muchas cosas, pero eso no te hace único o imprescindible. Por eso aprendí a manejar algunas situaciones. A soltar un poco. A no atar. Aunque a veces quiera amarrar fuerte, pero si lo intento, sólo me hiero al no conseguir lo que quiero. Entonces, para mí, es mejor soltar y dejar. Si se quieren acercar, ya lo harán. A veces me da miedo que cuando quieran amarrarme, yo no quiera ser amarrada, y seguramente, debido a la frustración seré implacable. Qué pérdida, tendré que pedir perdón.
Hay tantas cosas que me duelen. A veces no las siento, pero otras veces se acumulan y me cuesta trabajo hasta tragar. Me encuentro extrañando ciertas cosas, ciertas conversaciones, discusiones, reconciliaciones, sentimientos, momentos, sueños, planes, conexiones, en fin. Es increíble como luego todo pierde el sentido. Yo sólo sé que, lo siento. Me alegra estar inalcanzable.

Il mio cuore

Y si, camino bajo el sol, pero es invierno en mi corazón. Y de pronto llegará un amor que no se marchará jamás, seré feliz con él, en su mirada yo me perderé, y capaz todos mis sueños se hagan realidad.
Tengo que salir, tengo que escapar al fin de mí, y dejar la oscuridad. Así estoy yo. Nada de lo que yo haga cambiará la situación, aunque insista y me cansé de insistir, de hacerme explicar, de dar razones. Ya intenté por todas las formas y medios posibles, y me rindo. Doloroso pero así es y así será. Y como soy orgullosa y mi rencor y mi dolor sólo van a crecer, cuando diga no, no sentiré nada, ni siquiera dolor por mí ya, ni por ti, ni por nadie. Me pregunto cómo será vivir una vida y algo emocionante, inesperado, arriesgado, cegado de amor y con fe.

I am bored and tired. Someday I'll travel and I'll see everything I want to see.
I believe that when you have found the one, you just know it and feel it in your heart...
Igual, debo hacerlo todo con amor. Yo sola voy a acabar con mi fuerza de voluntad, aunque no solamente yo siempre. Quizás algún día sea la noche ideal. Y no haré nada.

the others

Others are happy and seem happy. Do you ever really know if it's real? Or are just fake pictures?
I believe maybe my friends or cousins have played their cards better or different than me.
My fate hasn't been so easy after all, but I blame no one but me for that. I made my own choices.
But I hate it sometimes. It's like I want or ask for something, and I get exactly the opposite. So I shouldn't want or ask for anything after all. I feel sad and upset. I am tired. I want to cry, to see that I won't have my way or what I wanted after all.
It makes me want to cry, that my life hasn't gone the way I planned it as a kid. I cry that maybe I keep making my choices wrong, maybe with my heart, or with my mind, with both or with none.
It's like if I were dumb, irrational. Did I act correctly in every aspect of my life? I wonder lot of things. What if I had asked that night about it? What would had happened?
What if I hadn't left him? What if I hadn't walked away? What If I wasn't a coward back then? What if I hadn't hurt? If I had forgiven? What if I hadn't taken anything for granted? What if I made wrong choices? What if so? Would I be completely happy right now? Would I feel complete and fulfilled? Or Would I still feel lack or a void of something in my heart?
I can't reborn, and I won't. I just see how time goes by. I see how others get the time and fate I wanted for me back then or when I was a kid and I don't. Does this mean I am living other's life? is this mine? Or will I wake up and I won't be me? I am about to become a hypocrit with others. I am going to say things I don't mean and I'd hate that. So I better say nothing.
I blame the internet for lot of things. It made me smile and make new friends, but it also ruined my life. And it also does sometimes. Because as you can see other's problems, you also see their happiness. Why shouldn't you feel glad for others getting what they wanted or they dreams becoming real? It sucks because I know that won't happen to me. I won't get things done my way, and I'll go through life pretending I am fine with that because I am proud, and because I don't go back, even though my heart asks what if I did. That won't help, that won't solve anything, that won't get me closer, nothing will. There are things that are out of our control. I want to cry, as if crying could change things, as if tears could make life changings, or problems disappear, or obstacles go away, or opening hearts and minds, or making money. But they don't and that's a fact. Tears are only good for yelling quietly. If I could turn back time, I would like to be told before so I could write down things to not repeat them, to make other choices. To say no when I had to say no, to say yes when I had to say yes, to say I'll do it when I had to, to ask the right question when I had to ask it, to enjoy more when I had to enjoy more. To be more riskful. This obsession with control, with comfort, with perfection, with ethics, with transparency, with depth, with knowing, with reason, hasn't taken me where I thought it would, and less to where I wanted.

Others are younger, or older, different. Have lived different things of me, things I would had like to live. Others are richer, poorer, and will live things I won't. Being jealous and wishing doesn't hurt anyone but me. I wish I could trade or exchange lives with some people, just to feel and know what is like, then I could go back to my life and smile, because it felt good, too bad it actually didn't happen to me, and that's the sad part. I always say to myself what a loving or kind or a keeper person I am, and yet I don't feel like one. I mean, I do and act like one, but I don't feel it. If I were, lot of things would be different. If I were so special, sweet, complete, great, wonderful woman, tender, good in bed, intelligent, sexy, faithful, unique, sincere, loyal or(etc ive been told).. my life would had been different, or it would be different. But it isn't so that must not be true after all. I am just not that unique, that special, that beautiful. I just haven't done the right things. I wasn't born with such a big star perhaps. I am so tired, of acting so good, of being like I am, so lovable and not feeling how I want to feel, how I think I am supossed to feel.
I feel sad. I wonder why others, why not me? Is she luckier? perhaps. Is she prettier? maybe. Is she smarter? yes. Is he more athletic? of course. Or maybe I have played my cards the wrong way. Maybe I haven't met the right path or the right people. What if I were a man? I wish i were a man. It must be so nice. Not to feel so much, not to be able to do the joint of feelings and language as good, not to pay atenttion to details, not to expect things, not to be able to understand, or just not to be a woman.

I am living this life, my life, and the pride won't go anywhere, so I'll walk through my path quietly and accepting because yelling, dreaming, wanting, fighting, arguing, is totally worthless.

Like A Child

En días como hoy pienso muchas cosas. En lo lindo que es recibir cosas, sean tangibles o no, cuando no las esperas, y más cuando ni siquiera las has pedido. Es como sentir una brisa y una sonrisa sincera. Pero no le da tiempo a tu corazón de prepararse, y te quedas asombrado.
Yo sé que entregar todo no significa que lo recibirás, por eso uno debe entregar sin esperar nada a cambio. Yo siempre doy cosas, o emociones.. me encanta causarle alegría y felicidad a alguien. Como la felicidad de mi sobrino porque le arreglé su muñeco. O como la alegría que le das a alguien por decir "A mi también me ha pasado!", O cuando le dices algo a alguien que no sabía y que no esperaba saber, cuando incluyes a alguien, o simplemente un "Yo también".
Yo sé que la consecuencia del destrozamiento de la esperanza es el endurecimiento del corazón.

I got the red dress I wanted. So, I'll wear it, my red dress that mean things. I'll look myself in the mirror and think. I will cry and then I'll wipe off my tears and put make up on.
Where would we be without make up? But I am thankful. You've rewarded me. You've taken care of my and my family. I'll keep praying for me, for them, for him. After all, what am I?
Just as weak and sad as any other. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could empower that empathy more. But I am only human, and still knowing, still growing, still learning, getting sick, hurting, smiling, feeling, and crying.

I've done wrong in the past, and maybe I'll do more in the future. I always pray for justice, because I am not to take revenge, so better let go and be free.
I have paths in front of me.. One is a known past path, do I want go that way again just because of few reasons? Do I take the future path of comfort and companionship? Do I take the other path? Today I felt scared, because I felt pain and disappointment again. I felt again that awful sensation of giving. But I must remember to myself, even though I have a scarf, this isn't the same wound. It isn't, it's another one, different, and it might heal sooner than I think so. I pretend being cold and strong, but that's just it, pretending. Truth is, I am like God sees me. A 4 year old kid in a red dress.
Sometimes I miss weird things. Like walking down the soft rain while other runs and I enjoy. I wonder if my eyes look different now than what they used to.
I wonder if I'd be happier far and lonely. No hay ciego peor que aquel que no quiere ver.
Por eso siempre pido ver. Hay cosas que no se ven con los ojos.
I miss so much being a child. I was a happy kid.