Others are happy and seem happy. Do you ever really know if it's real? Or are just fake pictures?
I believe maybe my friends or cousins have played their cards better or different than me.
My fate hasn't been so easy after all, but I blame no one but me for that. I made my own choices.
But I hate it sometimes. It's like I want or ask for something, and I get exactly the opposite. So I shouldn't want or ask for anything after all. I feel sad and upset. I am tired. I want to cry, to see that I won't have my way or what I wanted after all.
It makes me want to cry, that my life hasn't gone the way I planned it as a kid. I cry that maybe I keep making my choices wrong, maybe with my heart, or with my mind, with both or with none.
It's like if I were dumb, irrational. Did I act correctly in every aspect of my life? I wonder lot of things. What if I had asked that night about it? What would had happened?
What if I hadn't left him? What if I hadn't walked away? What If I wasn't a coward back then? What if I hadn't hurt? If I had forgiven? What if I hadn't taken anything for granted? What if I made wrong choices? What if so? Would I be completely happy right now? Would I feel complete and fulfilled? Or Would I still feel lack or a void of something in my heart?
I can't reborn, and I won't. I just see how time goes by. I see how others get the time and fate I wanted for me back then or when I was a kid and I don't. Does this mean I am living other's life? is this mine? Or will I wake up and I won't be me? I am about to become a hypocrit with others. I am going to say things I don't mean and I'd hate that. So I better say nothing.
I blame the internet for lot of things. It made me smile and make new friends, but it also ruined my life. And it also does sometimes. Because as you can see other's problems, you also see their happiness. Why shouldn't you feel glad for others getting what they wanted or they dreams becoming real? It sucks because I know that won't happen to me. I won't get things done my way, and I'll go through life pretending I am fine with that because I am proud, and because I don't go back, even though my heart asks what if I did. That won't help, that won't solve anything, that won't get me closer, nothing will. There are things that are out of our control. I want to cry, as if crying could change things, as if tears could make life changings, or problems disappear, or obstacles go away, or opening hearts and minds, or making money. But they don't and that's a fact. Tears are only good for yelling quietly. If I could turn back time, I would like to be told before so I could write down things to not repeat them, to make other choices. To say no when I had to say no, to say yes when I had to say yes, to say I'll do it when I had to, to ask the right question when I had to ask it, to enjoy more when I had to enjoy more. To be more riskful. This obsession with control, with comfort, with perfection, with ethics, with transparency, with depth, with knowing, with reason, hasn't taken me where I thought it would, and less to where I wanted.
Others are younger, or older, different. Have lived different things of me, things I would had like to live. Others are richer, poorer, and will live things I won't. Being jealous and wishing doesn't hurt anyone but me. I wish I could trade or exchange lives with some people, just to feel and know what is like, then I could go back to my life and smile, because it felt good, too bad it actually didn't happen to me, and that's the sad part. I always say to myself what a loving or kind or a keeper person I am, and yet I don't feel like one. I mean, I do and act like one, but I don't feel it. If I were, lot of things would be different. If I were so special, sweet, complete, great, wonderful woman, tender, good in bed, intelligent, sexy, faithful, unique, sincere, loyal or(etc ive been told).. my life would had been different, or it would be different. But it isn't so that must not be true after all. I am just not that unique, that special, that beautiful. I just haven't done the right things. I wasn't born with such a big star perhaps. I am so tired, of acting so good, of being like I am, so lovable and not feeling how I want to feel, how I think I am supossed to feel.
I feel sad. I wonder why others, why not me? Is she luckier? perhaps. Is she prettier? maybe. Is she smarter? yes. Is he more athletic? of course. Or maybe I have played my cards the wrong way. Maybe I haven't met the right path or the right people. What if I were a man? I wish i were a man. It must be so nice. Not to feel so much, not to be able to do the joint of feelings and language as good, not to pay atenttion to details, not to expect things, not to be able to understand, or just not to be a woman.
I am living this life, my life, and the pride won't go anywhere, so I'll walk through my path quietly and accepting because yelling, dreaming, wanting, fighting, arguing, is totally worthless.
I believe maybe my friends or cousins have played their cards better or different than me.
My fate hasn't been so easy after all, but I blame no one but me for that. I made my own choices.
But I hate it sometimes. It's like I want or ask for something, and I get exactly the opposite. So I shouldn't want or ask for anything after all. I feel sad and upset. I am tired. I want to cry, to see that I won't have my way or what I wanted after all.
It makes me want to cry, that my life hasn't gone the way I planned it as a kid. I cry that maybe I keep making my choices wrong, maybe with my heart, or with my mind, with both or with none.
It's like if I were dumb, irrational. Did I act correctly in every aspect of my life? I wonder lot of things. What if I had asked that night about it? What would had happened?
What if I hadn't left him? What if I hadn't walked away? What If I wasn't a coward back then? What if I hadn't hurt? If I had forgiven? What if I hadn't taken anything for granted? What if I made wrong choices? What if so? Would I be completely happy right now? Would I feel complete and fulfilled? Or Would I still feel lack or a void of something in my heart?
I can't reborn, and I won't. I just see how time goes by. I see how others get the time and fate I wanted for me back then or when I was a kid and I don't. Does this mean I am living other's life? is this mine? Or will I wake up and I won't be me? I am about to become a hypocrit with others. I am going to say things I don't mean and I'd hate that. So I better say nothing.
I blame the internet for lot of things. It made me smile and make new friends, but it also ruined my life. And it also does sometimes. Because as you can see other's problems, you also see their happiness. Why shouldn't you feel glad for others getting what they wanted or they dreams becoming real? It sucks because I know that won't happen to me. I won't get things done my way, and I'll go through life pretending I am fine with that because I am proud, and because I don't go back, even though my heart asks what if I did. That won't help, that won't solve anything, that won't get me closer, nothing will. There are things that are out of our control. I want to cry, as if crying could change things, as if tears could make life changings, or problems disappear, or obstacles go away, or opening hearts and minds, or making money. But they don't and that's a fact. Tears are only good for yelling quietly. If I could turn back time, I would like to be told before so I could write down things to not repeat them, to make other choices. To say no when I had to say no, to say yes when I had to say yes, to say I'll do it when I had to, to ask the right question when I had to ask it, to enjoy more when I had to enjoy more. To be more riskful. This obsession with control, with comfort, with perfection, with ethics, with transparency, with depth, with knowing, with reason, hasn't taken me where I thought it would, and less to where I wanted.
Others are younger, or older, different. Have lived different things of me, things I would had like to live. Others are richer, poorer, and will live things I won't. Being jealous and wishing doesn't hurt anyone but me. I wish I could trade or exchange lives with some people, just to feel and know what is like, then I could go back to my life and smile, because it felt good, too bad it actually didn't happen to me, and that's the sad part. I always say to myself what a loving or kind or a keeper person I am, and yet I don't feel like one. I mean, I do and act like one, but I don't feel it. If I were, lot of things would be different. If I were so special, sweet, complete, great, wonderful woman, tender, good in bed, intelligent, sexy, faithful, unique, sincere, loyal or(etc ive been told).. my life would had been different, or it would be different. But it isn't so that must not be true after all. I am just not that unique, that special, that beautiful. I just haven't done the right things. I wasn't born with such a big star perhaps. I am so tired, of acting so good, of being like I am, so lovable and not feeling how I want to feel, how I think I am supossed to feel.
I feel sad. I wonder why others, why not me? Is she luckier? perhaps. Is she prettier? maybe. Is she smarter? yes. Is he more athletic? of course. Or maybe I have played my cards the wrong way. Maybe I haven't met the right path or the right people. What if I were a man? I wish i were a man. It must be so nice. Not to feel so much, not to be able to do the joint of feelings and language as good, not to pay atenttion to details, not to expect things, not to be able to understand, or just not to be a woman.
I am living this life, my life, and the pride won't go anywhere, so I'll walk through my path quietly and accepting because yelling, dreaming, wanting, fighting, arguing, is totally worthless.
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