As the 2008 is ending, I hope 2009 goes better than this one. All this is new and yet old to me. I remembered what I already knew. I went through a lapsus, but i remembered that people don't change, and that is something I've always known.
On the other hand, I ended my career, didn't feel like such a big deal to me. I love being at home and with my family and close friends. I like smiling and laughing with and because of them.
As last year, I wonder what this new year will bring, let's hope better beautiful things and feelings.
*Sigh* A great new year eve for me and those I care about, may God light our paths, always.
miércoles, 31 de diciembre de 2008
sábado, 13 de diciembre de 2008
As I said once.. Nadie más, no como yo.
Y yo que no me daba cuenta cuando te dolía. ¿Como es que nunca me fijé que ya no sonreías y que antes de apagar la luz, ya nada me decías?
Yo vivo mi camino resignada a la verdad, a veces cosas ajenas o exogenas me hacenc reer que podría cambiar, pero regreso a mi casa y me doy cuenta que no.
En realidad, son pocas las personas que saben lo que se siente perder y varias veces. Qué poco sabemos sobre las realidades, dolores y victorias ajenas. Capaz no estaba lista aún y necesitaba descansar más. Tal vez me apresuré como tan a menudo sucede. Capaz soy como mis amigas. Y capaz algunas cosas son lo que son, y así siempre serán.
Si el amor es verdadero, no se rinde ante el dolor. Pero todo lo "malo" siempre tiene su lado bueno(=.
I just need to find the advantages here. One keep walking and then, there's no more, so.. is this all? oh Well. I'll stay around, I could find a hidden treasure. There are more things I guess. I'll just stay there, it might come to me. I want to sleep a lot, I wish I wasn't sometimes such a cold hearted human being, but If I am not, I get hurted very deep, and do you ever wonder if it's really worthy.
Changing isn't easy, it takes time to heal and transform, or do the evolution. I just need more time, and maybe I'll die with this year and reborn with the new one.
Más yo no he entendido y pido a Dios que me colme de fuerzas, de pura grandeza, de armas y don, de valor y destreza. Estoy tratando quizas de olvidar diciembre que no, agosto que igual...
Y pido a Dios que me alivie el dolor, de tanta ilusión, que creció con un sueño que hoy sigue viviendo conmigo...
Yo vivo mi camino resignada a la verdad, a veces cosas ajenas o exogenas me hacenc reer que podría cambiar, pero regreso a mi casa y me doy cuenta que no.
En realidad, son pocas las personas que saben lo que se siente perder y varias veces. Qué poco sabemos sobre las realidades, dolores y victorias ajenas. Capaz no estaba lista aún y necesitaba descansar más. Tal vez me apresuré como tan a menudo sucede. Capaz soy como mis amigas. Y capaz algunas cosas son lo que son, y así siempre serán.
Si el amor es verdadero, no se rinde ante el dolor. Pero todo lo "malo" siempre tiene su lado bueno(=.
I just need to find the advantages here. One keep walking and then, there's no more, so.. is this all? oh Well. I'll stay around, I could find a hidden treasure. There are more things I guess. I'll just stay there, it might come to me. I want to sleep a lot, I wish I wasn't sometimes such a cold hearted human being, but If I am not, I get hurted very deep, and do you ever wonder if it's really worthy.
Changing isn't easy, it takes time to heal and transform, or do the evolution. I just need more time, and maybe I'll die with this year and reborn with the new one.
Más yo no he entendido y pido a Dios que me colme de fuerzas, de pura grandeza, de armas y don, de valor y destreza. Estoy tratando quizas de olvidar diciembre que no, agosto que igual...
Y pido a Dios que me alivie el dolor, de tanta ilusión, que creció con un sueño que hoy sigue viviendo conmigo...
jueves, 11 de diciembre de 2008
El vacío.
So, today I read this about not keeping useless things, that you no longer use. Wether they are clothes, or emotions in your heart.
But if people only knew how hard is to let go. How hard is to hold on to something, no matter how little it is, and yet how painful.
So, if it hurts you, yeah, you should probably let it go. So.. my blessed heart..I'll let you go.
I've been dreaming of you, and it's annoying, disturbing and probably consequences of the time, days, month I am going through.
I hate having dreams, I miss the nightmares, cus in these dreams, I look and feel so happy, and I look different, lot of things look different, but they're not real, and then I wake up. And I hate seeing you there, wearing what you're wearing, calling me what you call me, acting so naturally as if everything were fucking real. Now I am so pissed off, and I am so mad at you, and I am so angry, and mad at me; I better stay away from meaningful things. And I can't, I can't act naturally, I can't do this, I can't do that, and it's like you said once I wish I could hate you, but I don't, I don't hate you, hate is useless, no tiene caso, and if so, you'd be the only person I'd hate, and I hated you for a while, because I had everything and nothing at the same time. And I read while there's life there's hope, but a huge part of me died that day, and Now I just keep dying and dying. Should I say that the advantage is that you don't see it?
But I have my hopes, and I hear what I wanna hear, and I heard what I needed to hear, and, my soul felt fulfilled. I have faith I'll have everything I ever wanted and needed in my other life after I die.
I'm letting go... and this void... I hope it gets filled with great new things.
So, I know you're looking after him. I know I'm blessed. And I know you're looking after me, and yes, life's confusing when you grow up.
Estoy dispuesto a todo,
y todo es No pedirte nada,
nada que no seas tú.
Tú me has dado tanto,
¿que tanto es nada?
para decirte
lo que yo daría por tí...
Por eso voy a dejarte libre,
para que el amor se vuelva más grande,
voy a quererte siempre
Bendito tu corazón!!
Quiero que sepas que contigo estoy mas vivo..
Nada mejor en tí que un corazón bendito..
But if people only knew how hard is to let go. How hard is to hold on to something, no matter how little it is, and yet how painful.
So, if it hurts you, yeah, you should probably let it go. So.. my blessed heart..I'll let you go.
I've been dreaming of you, and it's annoying, disturbing and probably consequences of the time, days, month I am going through.
I hate having dreams, I miss the nightmares, cus in these dreams, I look and feel so happy, and I look different, lot of things look different, but they're not real, and then I wake up. And I hate seeing you there, wearing what you're wearing, calling me what you call me, acting so naturally as if everything were fucking real. Now I am so pissed off, and I am so mad at you, and I am so angry, and mad at me; I better stay away from meaningful things. And I can't, I can't act naturally, I can't do this, I can't do that, and it's like you said once I wish I could hate you, but I don't, I don't hate you, hate is useless, no tiene caso, and if so, you'd be the only person I'd hate, and I hated you for a while, because I had everything and nothing at the same time. And I read while there's life there's hope, but a huge part of me died that day, and Now I just keep dying and dying. Should I say that the advantage is that you don't see it?
But I have my hopes, and I hear what I wanna hear, and I heard what I needed to hear, and, my soul felt fulfilled. I have faith I'll have everything I ever wanted and needed in my other life after I die.
I'm letting go... and this void... I hope it gets filled with great new things.
So, I know you're looking after him. I know I'm blessed. And I know you're looking after me, and yes, life's confusing when you grow up.
Estoy dispuesto a todo,
y todo es No pedirte nada,
nada que no seas tú.
Tú me has dado tanto,
¿que tanto es nada?
para decirte
lo que yo daría por tí...
Por eso voy a dejarte libre,
para que el amor se vuelva más grande,
voy a quererte siempre
Bendito tu corazón!!
Quiero que sepas que contigo estoy mas vivo..
Nada mejor en tí que un corazón bendito..
lunes, 8 de diciembre de 2008
Blue
Tomas de mi mano y por dentro lloro...
I can't stop wondering why my life is full of not having. Before, i made every little plan because I was going to have but then, it all disappeared in front of my eyes. Now I started making plans just to know they will never be. My heart aches, just my heart. The only advantage of all this is the sleep, when you cry so long and so strong, your body gets tired and you sleep and dream like a baby.
But I guess that when I get over this, I'll be back to non sleeping again.
I also wonder if you remember or think as much as I do. Yesterday I saw the video of the first song you sent me, and I felt pain inside and started to cry. The first time I heard it, I also cried. That songs hurts me, and it's so full of emotions. But we both know what would happen if I was reborn and you forgave that, after all, you seemed you were always stronger than me. I am tired of being wrong, I am tired of surrender.
I always thought for you, I mean, I used to say and think, if he can do this, me too! But did I ever think of what I wanted? I blew it.. I just did, because I was proud and stupid, now I am not proud, just as stupid. If I could just.. a little
That's why I always say enjoy what you have meanwhile you have it, because you never know when it will be gone.
Diría que tengo años sin oir Sirena, así como tenía años sin oir Sin Ti. Pero tú no recordarías eso, o capaz sí, y por ver Sin Ti te llevó a Te Amo. Y yo fui tan boba, como siempre, que no vi más allá, no sentí de verdad, no analicé profundamente. Hasta ahi llega mi tontería de la profundidad, de la complejidad, y que todo tiene un significado sagrado en el fondo.. Debí haber visto y sentido, la cadena. Pero yo ya no recuerdo muchas cosas, sólo algunas, y esas son. No quise hablar de ellas cuando pude porque eran dolorosas como lo serán siempre, pero hablé de otras, en el fondo, me alegré de no ser la única, pero no tengo odio; sólo rencor, y amargura ahora, pero no debería, curaste una parte y la otra es mi problema, dar algo no es garantía para recibirlo.
Si pudiera hablarte diría que entiendo, y que me gustaría ver un cuaderno, y que te lo cambiaría por una carta de 16 páginas. Pero estaba tan orgullosa, y debía mostrarme así, porque sé y yo sabía que pasaría. Pero como dije, a veces es tarde, y lo era. Yo ahora estoy en otro camino sola, pero en otro camino. La vida es injusta, cambia de colores, de ambientes, de espacios. Ahora ando como caminando de noche, sé que algún día amanecerá y veré el sol de nuevo, mientras veo la Luna y sonrío. Así no se puede andar o adelantar mucho. Otras veces me canso y me siento, suspiro y se me salen las lágrimas. Luego pregunto a la Luna si he sido tan mala, si hice algo tan malo, o si capaz deba pedirle perdón a alguien por algo que hice y no me di cuenta. Y el problema de hablar y mover la lengua, de decir, de desear, es que la vida te manda a callar negandotelo. Y entonces te confundes, para sanar, para crecer, y levantarte y seguir adelante. O Hubiera hecho como tú, escribir y darle send.. puede llegar a ser desahogante y a la vez egoista, no sabes si el otro deba o quiera leer eso. Pero no, yo solo escribo y doy delete o cancel.. o hablo sin organizar ideas, a la loca, y doy Post.
Pude haber hecho más, lo sé, y lamento haberte soltado la mano en esos momentos, pero estaba herida y herida soy otra, me transformo, pero ahora son sólo bobadas, frases que pude haber solucionando discutiendo, gritándote, y ¿qué sería de mí ahora? Capaz estaría atrapada en la misma vida ahi alimentandome de esperanza de que en el futuro hariamos esto, porque sigo atrapada en la misma vida, pero con un dolor más sutil, pero contrario a los del pasado, permanente. Antes tenía dolores e impactos fuertes, que sanaban dejándome la cicatriz, pero ahora vivo con una herida allí, que es una pequeña llaga, y el problema principal es que no cierra ni se cerrará, así que emanaré sangre por allí todo el tiempo.
Nadie sabe, nadie ignora cuantos quisiera he tenido en mi vida. Desde que te conocí hice muchos sueños e ilusiones, y poc@s se hicieron realidad, era bueno todo pero el precio de tener las esperanzas para el futuro era y es tan alto, y al final no me sirvió, y ¿qué sucede con todos esos muertos? Mi corazón es como un cementerio...Y yo soy como un fantasma, como un cuidandero ahí, que paso todas las noches a ver las cruces, como un alma en pena allí, y me multiplico, y lloro por todos. Una vez te dije que yo no servía para otra cosa más que para ser tu mujer. Si no soy tu novia, no sería nada. No servía para ser tu amiga, no podría, no pude y no podré.
Algún día nos volveremos a ver, y te encontraré, y tú vivirás lo que yo quería vivir contigo pero con otra, y me dolerá pero para variar no te enterarás. Y me preguntarás ¿qué ha sido de mi vida? Tal como me preguntan ahora mis amig@s.. y mi vida es lo mismo, sólo que He aprendido más cosas, estoy más vieja, sé más idiomas, he leído más libros, he viajado, pero sigo siendo ese ser incapaz, que se le salen las lágrimas al oír ciertas melodías, y tú ganaste... dijiste cosas que jamás podré olvidar, y si, todo me duele, pero me cuesta tanto ser insensible conmigo misma, talvez por eso me pasan las cosas que me pasan, porque pienso en mí, en mi felicidad, en mi dolor, en mis sueños, y yo soy yo y tú eres un medio para lograr mis sueños y mi felicidad, y cuando el medio se vuelve el sujeto y cambia todo, yo quedo sobre la nada. Yo odiaba este mes,.... Extraño la habilidad de superar muchas cosas, extraño tantas cosas.
I'll just sit and wait. I beg God to give me strength to overcome and heal my heart, in the meantime, I'll dedicate myself to other things, play the violin, work out, paint, go out, get in touch with old friends, and from now and on, cry a little for my dying baby.
Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro.
I can't stop wondering why my life is full of not having. Before, i made every little plan because I was going to have but then, it all disappeared in front of my eyes. Now I started making plans just to know they will never be. My heart aches, just my heart. The only advantage of all this is the sleep, when you cry so long and so strong, your body gets tired and you sleep and dream like a baby.
But I guess that when I get over this, I'll be back to non sleeping again.
I also wonder if you remember or think as much as I do. Yesterday I saw the video of the first song you sent me, and I felt pain inside and started to cry. The first time I heard it, I also cried. That songs hurts me, and it's so full of emotions. But we both know what would happen if I was reborn and you forgave that, after all, you seemed you were always stronger than me. I am tired of being wrong, I am tired of surrender.
I always thought for you, I mean, I used to say and think, if he can do this, me too! But did I ever think of what I wanted? I blew it.. I just did, because I was proud and stupid, now I am not proud, just as stupid. If I could just.. a little
That's why I always say enjoy what you have meanwhile you have it, because you never know when it will be gone.
Diría que tengo años sin oir Sirena, así como tenía años sin oir Sin Ti. Pero tú no recordarías eso, o capaz sí, y por ver Sin Ti te llevó a Te Amo. Y yo fui tan boba, como siempre, que no vi más allá, no sentí de verdad, no analicé profundamente. Hasta ahi llega mi tontería de la profundidad, de la complejidad, y que todo tiene un significado sagrado en el fondo.. Debí haber visto y sentido, la cadena. Pero yo ya no recuerdo muchas cosas, sólo algunas, y esas son. No quise hablar de ellas cuando pude porque eran dolorosas como lo serán siempre, pero hablé de otras, en el fondo, me alegré de no ser la única, pero no tengo odio; sólo rencor, y amargura ahora, pero no debería, curaste una parte y la otra es mi problema, dar algo no es garantía para recibirlo.
Si pudiera hablarte diría que entiendo, y que me gustaría ver un cuaderno, y que te lo cambiaría por una carta de 16 páginas. Pero estaba tan orgullosa, y debía mostrarme así, porque sé y yo sabía que pasaría. Pero como dije, a veces es tarde, y lo era. Yo ahora estoy en otro camino sola, pero en otro camino. La vida es injusta, cambia de colores, de ambientes, de espacios. Ahora ando como caminando de noche, sé que algún día amanecerá y veré el sol de nuevo, mientras veo la Luna y sonrío. Así no se puede andar o adelantar mucho. Otras veces me canso y me siento, suspiro y se me salen las lágrimas. Luego pregunto a la Luna si he sido tan mala, si hice algo tan malo, o si capaz deba pedirle perdón a alguien por algo que hice y no me di cuenta. Y el problema de hablar y mover la lengua, de decir, de desear, es que la vida te manda a callar negandotelo. Y entonces te confundes, para sanar, para crecer, y levantarte y seguir adelante. O Hubiera hecho como tú, escribir y darle send.. puede llegar a ser desahogante y a la vez egoista, no sabes si el otro deba o quiera leer eso. Pero no, yo solo escribo y doy delete o cancel.. o hablo sin organizar ideas, a la loca, y doy Post.
Pude haber hecho más, lo sé, y lamento haberte soltado la mano en esos momentos, pero estaba herida y herida soy otra, me transformo, pero ahora son sólo bobadas, frases que pude haber solucionando discutiendo, gritándote, y ¿qué sería de mí ahora? Capaz estaría atrapada en la misma vida ahi alimentandome de esperanza de que en el futuro hariamos esto, porque sigo atrapada en la misma vida, pero con un dolor más sutil, pero contrario a los del pasado, permanente. Antes tenía dolores e impactos fuertes, que sanaban dejándome la cicatriz, pero ahora vivo con una herida allí, que es una pequeña llaga, y el problema principal es que no cierra ni se cerrará, así que emanaré sangre por allí todo el tiempo.
Nadie sabe, nadie ignora cuantos quisiera he tenido en mi vida. Desde que te conocí hice muchos sueños e ilusiones, y poc@s se hicieron realidad, era bueno todo pero el precio de tener las esperanzas para el futuro era y es tan alto, y al final no me sirvió, y ¿qué sucede con todos esos muertos? Mi corazón es como un cementerio...Y yo soy como un fantasma, como un cuidandero ahí, que paso todas las noches a ver las cruces, como un alma en pena allí, y me multiplico, y lloro por todos. Una vez te dije que yo no servía para otra cosa más que para ser tu mujer. Si no soy tu novia, no sería nada. No servía para ser tu amiga, no podría, no pude y no podré.
Algún día nos volveremos a ver, y te encontraré, y tú vivirás lo que yo quería vivir contigo pero con otra, y me dolerá pero para variar no te enterarás. Y me preguntarás ¿qué ha sido de mi vida? Tal como me preguntan ahora mis amig@s.. y mi vida es lo mismo, sólo que He aprendido más cosas, estoy más vieja, sé más idiomas, he leído más libros, he viajado, pero sigo siendo ese ser incapaz, que se le salen las lágrimas al oír ciertas melodías, y tú ganaste... dijiste cosas que jamás podré olvidar, y si, todo me duele, pero me cuesta tanto ser insensible conmigo misma, talvez por eso me pasan las cosas que me pasan, porque pienso en mí, en mi felicidad, en mi dolor, en mis sueños, y yo soy yo y tú eres un medio para lograr mis sueños y mi felicidad, y cuando el medio se vuelve el sujeto y cambia todo, yo quedo sobre la nada. Yo odiaba este mes,.... Extraño la habilidad de superar muchas cosas, extraño tantas cosas.
I'll just sit and wait. I beg God to give me strength to overcome and heal my heart, in the meantime, I'll dedicate myself to other things, play the violin, work out, paint, go out, get in touch with old friends, and from now and on, cry a little for my dying baby.
Aunque es falso el aire, siento que respiro.
viernes, 5 de diciembre de 2008
Mourn
Escucho comentarios...Y todos siempre piensan saber más de la cuenta. Y todo queda en nada.. como siempre conmigo. Consecuencias de equivocarse, de amar demasiado, mal entender o necesitar. Yo intento...
Yo vivo en duelo. I'm one more widow. I buried lot of my ilussions, hopes and dreams. I need some time to get back on my feet. Meanwhile, I cry now and then everytime I remember, until I start to let go, like everything and my life goes back to being empty and live every day as it goes by without craving a future. Meanwhile, I leave pieces of me behind and I become someone else, somebody new.
I am so confused, all is so confusing. I'll never be able to receive or have what I wanted after all, not even from you, because let's face it, you can't just make an exception of turning back time just for me (=.
My xmas from last year was different from this one. Was I happy back then? Am I Happy now? I just remember I was full of expectations and some fears; and craving for a miracle that I believe I'll continue to crave my lifetime. I think I am no longer the such good warrior, since I surrender. I am more like a defeated warrior, doesn't mean that the light in my heart has vanished, it only has weakened. I'll try to enlighten it with other things, in the future perhaps, right now I can't and I don't want to either. I'll just live this process as I did with the others, it's just one more. I am not the only one, nor the first one, nor the last one, Im just not the micracle lucky one. I have luck according to life standards, but I wanted more than that. I am still sad, and I shouldn't had been so ambitious that I wanted it all. And maybe I should have thought before, I should have analyzed more. And since I am a grown up, this is what adults do: they face the consequences of their choices. wether they dont want or they thought differently.
But, meanwhile all this happens, I feel sorry and I apologize, because I might hurt in the traansformation process and I don't do it on purpose.. Actions, reactions, the equation of my life.
What do I want this year? Zeros, impossibles, a wish fixer fairy tale. So, dear God, you see through my heart as its transparent, maybe someday I will receive what my heart was craving for, could be in this life, but as it seems, it will be in my other life, beside you, relatives and animals.
But I ain't llike that at all, I will just stand there. Regresame los días...
I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound. I guess I can just start over, again.
*Sigh* I am still mourning...the pupile in denial...
Yo vivo en duelo. I'm one more widow. I buried lot of my ilussions, hopes and dreams. I need some time to get back on my feet. Meanwhile, I cry now and then everytime I remember, until I start to let go, like everything and my life goes back to being empty and live every day as it goes by without craving a future. Meanwhile, I leave pieces of me behind and I become someone else, somebody new.
I am so confused, all is so confusing. I'll never be able to receive or have what I wanted after all, not even from you, because let's face it, you can't just make an exception of turning back time just for me (=.
My xmas from last year was different from this one. Was I happy back then? Am I Happy now? I just remember I was full of expectations and some fears; and craving for a miracle that I believe I'll continue to crave my lifetime. I think I am no longer the such good warrior, since I surrender. I am more like a defeated warrior, doesn't mean that the light in my heart has vanished, it only has weakened. I'll try to enlighten it with other things, in the future perhaps, right now I can't and I don't want to either. I'll just live this process as I did with the others, it's just one more. I am not the only one, nor the first one, nor the last one, Im just not the micracle lucky one. I have luck according to life standards, but I wanted more than that. I am still sad, and I shouldn't had been so ambitious that I wanted it all. And maybe I should have thought before, I should have analyzed more. And since I am a grown up, this is what adults do: they face the consequences of their choices. wether they dont want or they thought differently.
But, meanwhile all this happens, I feel sorry and I apologize, because I might hurt in the traansformation process and I don't do it on purpose.. Actions, reactions, the equation of my life.
What do I want this year? Zeros, impossibles, a wish fixer fairy tale. So, dear God, you see through my heart as its transparent, maybe someday I will receive what my heart was craving for, could be in this life, but as it seems, it will be in my other life, beside you, relatives and animals.
But I ain't llike that at all, I will just stand there. Regresame los días...
I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound. I guess I can just start over, again.
*Sigh* I am still mourning...the pupile in denial...
jueves, 4 de diciembre de 2008
The heart repairer.
I suppose I'll never or can have my way. But there is a reason for everything. What Am I Doing? I hate to see myself, sobbing over the same and yet different thing. I hate to miss. I hate to think. They are my mistakes. And you said.. what do I choose..
What am I giving my tears for? My headache? My crying? My pain?
I am sad, and I feel so stupid, and yet so human. I would hate to see you standing in front of me; because you knew, because you know. And I'm so stupid, I would hug you quietly and cry my heart out, because you know me, you know what I have by looking at me, seeing my face, hearing my voice, the expressions I use or don't use. But then I would need you just for that, having someone who knows without having me saying it out loud. Then I'd look at you and smile in tears, and I would walk away. Because you just aren't. You know but you aren't. Life tested me, tested you, so did fate, so did God, did I fail? Did you fail? Did love fail? No one and nothing failed.
I am just going to become things I didn't want to be, I will do things I didn't want to do, just like I am doing right now. So, that means I am going to find a job that isn't my passion, and I will live everyday and live everyday living. If I could, if I didn't .. If I wasn't.. I would talk to you right now, and I'd hear your voice, and fuck, what am I gonna say? Nothing, I'd hang up.
You won, you knew all along what you were doing, and I didn't. I thought I knew, but I am clueless. What will I do now? Move again? Why do I run away every time?
I am having such a big headache now, but I am sure tomorrow I will have more pain. My heart aches, for other reasons. But I will heal it, with God and by myself, cus I think I am good at it. I am a heart repairer. I still ponder, how do people do it? Some are so lucky they don't know it, but when I see them, I tell them and if I haven't, I'll say it when I see them.
Because, it's so weird, so odd, to find everything, to have everything, that just doesn't happen as often as you might think.
Now, I have a new life to face, full of challenges, uneasy but I think I'll be strong enough. I wish I had some of my friends closer, I wish I could so many things that just can't be.
I am so sorry, I was such a bitch with you at those times, I won't say the reasons why I did, but I shouldn't have, I know I hurted you bad now because I've been hurted. If someday we see each other again, just someday, I will apologize.
I remember you saying that if.. I could come back to you, but I won't. You didn't choose me, I won't go back. And my voice, it just fades away in your memory, the sweetest voice. No me preguntes... podría responderte sinceramente. Mis gestos.
If I look back, I was so naive and young and childish. And so were you. I've grown a little now.
I am smiling.. I am glad we did. I am tired, and I have things to look after, take care of, pamper, caress, kiss, love and repair.
What am I giving my tears for? My headache? My crying? My pain?
I am sad, and I feel so stupid, and yet so human. I would hate to see you standing in front of me; because you knew, because you know. And I'm so stupid, I would hug you quietly and cry my heart out, because you know me, you know what I have by looking at me, seeing my face, hearing my voice, the expressions I use or don't use. But then I would need you just for that, having someone who knows without having me saying it out loud. Then I'd look at you and smile in tears, and I would walk away. Because you just aren't. You know but you aren't. Life tested me, tested you, so did fate, so did God, did I fail? Did you fail? Did love fail? No one and nothing failed.
I am just going to become things I didn't want to be, I will do things I didn't want to do, just like I am doing right now. So, that means I am going to find a job that isn't my passion, and I will live everyday and live everyday living. If I could, if I didn't .. If I wasn't.. I would talk to you right now, and I'd hear your voice, and fuck, what am I gonna say? Nothing, I'd hang up.
You won, you knew all along what you were doing, and I didn't. I thought I knew, but I am clueless. What will I do now? Move again? Why do I run away every time?
I am having such a big headache now, but I am sure tomorrow I will have more pain. My heart aches, for other reasons. But I will heal it, with God and by myself, cus I think I am good at it. I am a heart repairer. I still ponder, how do people do it? Some are so lucky they don't know it, but when I see them, I tell them and if I haven't, I'll say it when I see them.
Because, it's so weird, so odd, to find everything, to have everything, that just doesn't happen as often as you might think.
Now, I have a new life to face, full of challenges, uneasy but I think I'll be strong enough. I wish I had some of my friends closer, I wish I could so many things that just can't be.
I am so sorry, I was such a bitch with you at those times, I won't say the reasons why I did, but I shouldn't have, I know I hurted you bad now because I've been hurted. If someday we see each other again, just someday, I will apologize.
I remember you saying that if.. I could come back to you, but I won't. You didn't choose me, I won't go back. And my voice, it just fades away in your memory, the sweetest voice. No me preguntes... podría responderte sinceramente. Mis gestos.
If I look back, I was so naive and young and childish. And so were you. I've grown a little now.
I am smiling.. I am glad we did. I am tired, and I have things to look after, take care of, pamper, caress, kiss, love and repair.
lunes, 1 de diciembre de 2008
Just a Record
She told me. But I didn't listen. Now I think I should have listened. I've always been so stubborn and daring. Wanting to challenge everything and everyone, and sometimes it's just out my control; how I hate that! I know it's YOUR way of showing me you know better than me. That I just say what I want, but you know what's good for me.
So, I want to know, if this is good for me, keep me here, but if not, please end it.
I don't think there's much courage left in this world..
I feel sad, to realize, to see, how our paths are growing partways.
And I feel, I am too old for this. I am too old for teen love, for puppy love, to play cyber boyfriend/girlfriend game again, for not having; I am not a teenager anymore. I am a grown up woman... Im 25 yrs old, how time goes by. I am aware of a lot now that I wasn't back then.
I always think when I was a kid, I'd be so different, or have different things, some of them.
I want certain things, I want some guarantees. Sometimes I wonder why, is it me? I am not that far riskable lovable? I'm just loveable as the girlfriend or the lover?
I had so much to face and I ignored it, just like right now I have and I will have so much to face that I just ignore.
But then, there's no one to blame. It's not my fault, it's not his fault, it's not your fault, it just happened. Things happen, and I just let it happen and let it go. I am sad because I wanted such another outcome, I wanted so much, I gave so much, thats why my heart was so broken. I really don't know how, or when I overcame it. I didn't drink, I didn't overworked, I just cried when I felt I had to, and sometimes I didn't want to cry but can the tears be stopped, really? I had them when I was in class, or in the car, or in the street. Now it's easier, I don't go to school and I don't go out as much.
Qué ironía, again. This will suck, cus I will just wonder.
Y aunque me entregue mi amor,....
So, I want to know, if this is good for me, keep me here, but if not, please end it.
I don't think there's much courage left in this world..
I feel sad, to realize, to see, how our paths are growing partways.
And I feel, I am too old for this. I am too old for teen love, for puppy love, to play cyber boyfriend/girlfriend game again, for not having; I am not a teenager anymore. I am a grown up woman... Im 25 yrs old, how time goes by. I am aware of a lot now that I wasn't back then.
I always think when I was a kid, I'd be so different, or have different things, some of them.
I want certain things, I want some guarantees. Sometimes I wonder why, is it me? I am not that far riskable lovable? I'm just loveable as the girlfriend or the lover?
I had so much to face and I ignored it, just like right now I have and I will have so much to face that I just ignore.
But then, there's no one to blame. It's not my fault, it's not his fault, it's not your fault, it just happened. Things happen, and I just let it happen and let it go. I am sad because I wanted such another outcome, I wanted so much, I gave so much, thats why my heart was so broken. I really don't know how, or when I overcame it. I didn't drink, I didn't overworked, I just cried when I felt I had to, and sometimes I didn't want to cry but can the tears be stopped, really? I had them when I was in class, or in the car, or in the street. Now it's easier, I don't go to school and I don't go out as much.
Qué ironía, again. This will suck, cus I will just wonder.
Y aunque me entregue mi amor,....
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