Same shit.

Estar aquí. Being here.
Such bad and unpleasant triggers. Last time I was here, in this waiting room, for her.... her last days on this earth...then I saw her die.
I've found out I can't be here.. But, is here my city or my body/mind or this life?
What if my life ends and I won't be with her?
What does she mean to me?
Everything. Protection, unconditional love, peace, care, happiness.
Why do I have to keep living? Im not the chosen one.
And they, they only want to use you for their own convenience. Men disappoint me.
And me, I haven't improved at all. I continue being the same fool, even though I try to deny it.
I have the same problems, the same issues.
What's with my inner child traumas I can't seem to heal these past wounds and I continue to attract the same people and make the same mistakes. It's as if I haven't learned.
But I also wonder, why aren't I the chosen one? Why so many times someone else?
Can't say "always" because for once, i was chosen and i was reciprocated. But was I really.
I make the world out of nothing at all. Wish I could stumble upon someone who'd appreciate my singing, as the lyrics say.

I'm tired and sleepy. I wish I could sleep forever, so I could numb this emotional ache and ease this unkind mind of mine.
I see my father, and I want to tell him if he'd like to die with me. If I ask him, would he say yes? Does he also think there's nothing to live for? He seems so strong and resilient, unlike me.
I can't wait to escape and find the way out of living, of the pain, so in order for me to live I have to numb my mind and feelings with antidepressants? That's just sad, I rather be dead.
I've done it quite well cus everyone has bought into this facade of smile and pretend I've put through.
My dad's car is old..(although not as old as I'd want it to be) it will do. Gotta get all Habachi stuff. I just have to wait the chance where he parks it in the garage.

She was beautiful and yet she chose to die. What's left for me? ¿Qué queda para mí?

Prelude

I want to think of my father. Of my family. of My friends. But the pain inside my chest it's big. And it seems that My brain is my worst enemy. Because I keep breaking my own heart. It's delusional. I am stupid.. for seeing things that aren't really there. I feel worthless, unpretty, which maybe is why this keeps happening.
I don't want more of this. I'm back where I was... to a subzero level. Beneath the floor. I thought we could lift each other.

12 years later

It's been 12 years since my first death. Also died when they burnt her.
But here I am again, living my third death with so much agony, with an alike pain, with this heartache, feeling like you walk with broken ribs. Even more than before. Before I was young and had my life in front of me, had both of my parents, my family. This time, I'm old.. and weaker.
Who's to blame but myself.
I must admit my wrong choices in course of actions due to my cowardice and inner unhealed wounds, childhood traumas, egocentric ways have led me to this outcome.
Where everyday its like a punishment for having hurted the man who loved me and who I loved. He will always be man of my life.
To be honest, I don't want anything at all.
It's been 3 shitty years. I thought 2019 was gonna be my year, to try new things, to improve myself but it has been quite the opposite. Life just keeps showing you that everything can be or get worse, just look at me and this life.
Soon its gonna be my birthday, and i think it's the worst birthday ever. Oddly, my birthday wishes are the same: a time machine, a hug from my mother or death.
Because, see, I really don't have a purpose or a reason to live anymore. He shouldn't know or read this, but I don't see myself as a valuable being, i am stupid and the worst woman ever. I'm not beautiful or a good woman, but.
I've decided that I've lived long enough. I always wanted to die young. And 36 years old is a nice age to leave.
Between God and me there's a bifurcation. We've parted ways.
if I say something else, I do believe my punishment has been way greater than my crime.
People talk, they don't know, they don't understand. All they say it's like "Get over it. It's been some time already". They don't live inside, they don't have to dwell, their brain is not the one ruminating, their mind is not their worst enemy. I have to live inside this body with this mind.
Nevertheless, I am going to try to pretend as I did before, that everything is better, try to smile so to get them off my back cus they watch over me so i won't kill myself.
Maybe I do need help. I know my dad would be sad and maybe destroy his life. I don't think so. He's strong, and resilient, and he has other sons, and grandchildren.
I don't really have anything.
He broke my heart but I broke his, so I guess i deserve it. But, I don't deserve another chance to prove..? to prove..what?
I haven't changed... i have love towards him.. but im gonna drag him into this hell of a mess i am inside. Is it fair to him? Or am I being selfish or egocentric again?
I could say, lemme love you. But I don't love myself.  I'm not worthy of love. I wasn't the chosen one after all. I love him, I want him to be happy.. and will he be happy with me? He didn't give me a chance cus I'm not worthy nor beautiful enough. and I deserve to feel this pain, this heartache, as consequence of my actions.
But I'm not strong enough to face them. I'm a weakling with deep emotional pain and filled with guilt and regrets.

Iluminada y eterna, enfurecida y tranquila
Sobre una alfombra de hierba
Ibas volando dormida
Un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida
Con una lágrima tuya y una lágrima mía
¡Iluminada y eterna enfurecida y tranquila
Sobre una alfombra de hierba
Ibas volando dormida
Con una estrella fugaz te confundí la otra noche
Y te pedí tres deseos mientras duraba tu luz!
Déjame llorar, déjame llorar por ti, déjame llorar, uhh
Cuántas nostalgias durmiendo en el desván
He declarado mi vida en soledad
.