Same shit.

Estar aquí. Being here.
Such bad and unpleasant triggers. Last time I was here, in this waiting room, for her.... her last days on this earth...then I saw her die.
I've found out I can't be here.. But, is here my city or my body/mind or this life?
What if my life ends and I won't be with her?
What does she mean to me?
Everything. Protection, unconditional love, peace, care, happiness.
Why do I have to keep living? Im not the chosen one.
And they, they only want to use you for their own convenience. Men disappoint me.
And me, I haven't improved at all. I continue being the same fool, even though I try to deny it.
I have the same problems, the same issues.
What's with my inner child traumas I can't seem to heal these past wounds and I continue to attract the same people and make the same mistakes. It's as if I haven't learned.
But I also wonder, why aren't I the chosen one? Why so many times someone else?
Can't say "always" because for once, i was chosen and i was reciprocated. But was I really.
I make the world out of nothing at all. Wish I could stumble upon someone who'd appreciate my singing, as the lyrics say.

I'm tired and sleepy. I wish I could sleep forever, so I could numb this emotional ache and ease this unkind mind of mine.
I see my father, and I want to tell him if he'd like to die with me. If I ask him, would he say yes? Does he also think there's nothing to live for? He seems so strong and resilient, unlike me.
I can't wait to escape and find the way out of living, of the pain, so in order for me to live I have to numb my mind and feelings with antidepressants? That's just sad, I rather be dead.
I've done it quite well cus everyone has bought into this facade of smile and pretend I've put through.
My dad's car is old..(although not as old as I'd want it to be) it will do. Gotta get all Habachi stuff. I just have to wait the chance where he parks it in the garage.

She was beautiful and yet she chose to die. What's left for me? ¿Qué queda para mí?