Los Cambios

Me confunde el devenir de los acontecimientos. Me confunden con las emociones. Siento alegría, incertidumbre, felicidad, miedo.
Me parece emocionante, interesarse querer casarse con alguien. Sobretodo si es la persona idonea para ti. Estar contigo, cuidarte, consentirte y demás.
No es necesario librar batallas para sentirse feliz o amado. A veces nos complicamos la vida, buscando la complejidad en demasía. Pero, a veces los caminos se despejan, se vuelven sencillos y claros.
Yo ahora estoy a la expectativa, sonriendo, esperando que todo salga muy bien y sea lo que más convenga para ambos.

Me equivoco.

No sé cuantas veces pueda repararme la ilusión. Me siento tan herida. Y ahora a callar, porque la procesión va por dentro. Y el silencio es el mejor aliado cuando uno sufre.
Me duelen muchas cosas. Pero el sentir que no me valoran, duele más. Supongo que alguien como yo, es alguien cualquiera y mentiroso. Nadie quiere ese tipo de personas. No son imprescindibles.
Pero uno por alguna razón u otra, paga los platos rotos del pasado, de otras personas, y del futuro, y del propio dolor.
Me duelen muchas cosas. Pero saber que ya no regresaré la luz con la que lo miraba. Pero necesitaba esto, estar sola, llorar con ganas. He de decir que hacía tiempo no lloraba tanto. Es que con él no lloro casi, pero cuando me hiere y lloro, lo hago por todo el tiempo que no. Ya no sé que preferiría, si me hiriera de a poco y llorar un poco mejor. Que me fuera rechazando, humillando y triturando de a poco y no de un solo y en cualquier momento.
Nunca es la intención herir, jaj. Yo ahora, no quiero hablar ni estar con nadie. Así que me dispondré a poner erizos alrededor mío. No quiero que nadie se me acerque ni me hablen. Ahora soy solo equis, una sombra que necesita llorar y sacar dolor porque es un veneno en la sangre.
Pero, ellos jamás son culpables de nada. Nunca hacen nada malo. Son sólo inocentes palomas, victimas de lobos desalmados.
No voy a decir que sí cuando es en un no.

Ya eso no existe

Supongo que esa clase de amor, donde la felicidad del otro primaba sobre la propia, ya casi no existen. Y Si existen, esa clase de amor, solo la recibimos o vemos por parte de nuestros padres.
La convivencia es difícil, los ires y venires.
Como es dificil que las cosas cambian, que todo cambia. A veces me molesta ver esa seguridad o como te toman por sentado. Solo porque comparten más y se acuestan contigo, creen que jamás te irás. Qué complicadas son las mujeres, y que básicos son los hombres. Ellos te dejan por alguien más joven, o alguien distinto, y tú los dejas quizás por la misma razón, o porque simplemente ya no son quienes eran y te dan por sentado. Entonces, ¿porqué sorprenderte si ya se acuestan contigo cuando y donde quieran?
Y eso es lo que a mí me duele. Esa seguridad dañina, esa carencia de sensibilidad y romanticismo. Por cursi que suene, yo siempre esperaba ser amada intensamente o sobretodo, así como yo amaba, incluso sobre el dinero. Pero yo vivía equivocada, y en la vida real, el amor no funciona así. Tiene otras variables, otras vertientes que yo desconocía o no aplicaba.
Me entristece saber que ya no me darán sorpresas, ni detalles. Que no recibiré flores ni regalos. Sólo puedo recibir reclamos, expectativas, y sólo puedo seguir dando pero no significa que vaya a recibir. Y ya estoy cansandome de dar y dar. Yo busco mas que besos, caricias y sexo. Eso lo doy y lo recibo. Pero yo veía y quería cosas más allá, y no las recibiré.
Luego me pregunto, si fuese lesbiana, otra mujer sentiría como yo siento? Es que no hay intenciones de nada, sólo quejas y sacrificios. Si fuera de madera y todo me diera igual, sería más feliz pero a la vez no experimentaría nunca la felicidad.
Yo he sido la culpable, no la víctima. Yo misma construí mis ilusionas, yo sola fui, jamás hice participe a otro, así que yo debo cargar con la muerte de las mismas. Más cruces a mi cementerio. Entonces con qué las reemplazaré? Con qué? Si lo que solía llenarme ciertos vacíos, ya no me llena tanto. Me distrae, me hace olvidar que los tengo y río por ratos, y me siento alegre, pero no siempre vivo en ese vicio y cuando salgo de él, me doy cuenta de la verdad. Entonces debo volver a fingir que todo es excelente, qué felicidad; porque creo que si sigo fingiendo algún día lo sentiré real.
Lo cual me lleva a preguntar si las mentiras son verdades cuando uno lo cree así. Aquí nadie ha mentido, al contrario, ha habido tanta verdad que menosprecia mis creencias y mis ilusiones, y he ahí o desgarrador de todo. Que preferiría una mentira que me hiciera feliz, a una verdad que me hace sentir lo que siento ahora.

Hurt never

I haven't been feeling good. I have a lot going on in my mind, over and over. I try and I just can't seem to get it right. It makes me feel disappointed.
If I were you, I would do it in so many ways, creative ways, beautiful ways, and I wouldn't care. But I am not you, and you are not, and that's why you live outside of me instead of inside. Now, lot of dreams will stay unreal, and I will have to take them to their grave on my cemetery, along with the others I had in the past. I wish for so many things, and maybe I ask too much, or maybe I don't ask at all.
I'm just wrong, but then I have been wrong a lot of times now. It's like playing a hide and seek game with my feelings, it's exhausting cus i am always hiding them and i don't want to seek them either.
I wish someone had stopped me from craving, dreaming or planning, that would have saved me lot of issues. I miss the times where I was expecting, where I ignored and I was uncertain, where I had the hopes and dreams intacts.

Había olvidado los sinsabores que traía el enamorarse. El decidir compartir, el decidir depender de otra persona para algunos aspectos, en especial, para los emocionales. Es difícil ver como te rompen el corazón y ni siquiera se dan cuenta, pero te acostumbras y sigues. Ya no consigo llenar esos vacíos. Intento hacer lo que hacía antes y ya no siento lo mismo.
But what can one do? Callar, suspirar, sonreír.

But I was curious.

I wanted to know, but true is that I didn't want to know.
I feel sad, and I have every right to be sad. I say to myself "Mari, I am sorry". When I take a shower I say.. I feel sorry.. I am sorry.. I will be sad for a long time. And I will find myself missing things I used to have.
It was one of the hardest conversations and words I've ever had to read in my life. But as you create good memories, you create bad ones as much as I wanted to avoid them. As if I needed more bad memories in my life.

But oh well, what can one do. I put down my facebook. It brought me lot of troubles and I don't want to see other people happiness. If I won't be happy, I don't want to be hypocrite, so I just better stay out and live my own life.
I want to be alone and away from lot of people. I want to cry and be sad as long as I need to.
Cuanta dulzura diluyéndose en el tiempo. Cuantas nostalgias, durmiendo en el desván. He declarado mi vida en soledad. Un imposible silencio enmudeciendo mi vida. Déjame llorar...

LP

Hoy le dije a alguien que me preguntó, cosas especificas, como me gusta que me pregunten.
Hay cosas que uno no supera. Como por ejemplo el trauma, o algunos recuerdos o algunas cosas que uno quería.
Uno a veces cree que en verdad puede superar todo, pero no se puede. De pronto con tantos años se pueda. Cada persona es diferente, siente y piensa distinto.
En el fondo, yo he vivido una vida obscura, que me ha llevado a aprender lecciones distintas. Que me ha llevado a ser como soy, a ser tan desconfiada como soy. Puede que me pierda de algunas cosas, pero me ahorro otras. Y si en mi búsqueda de ahorrarme sufrimientos, me pierdo de otras o lastimo a alguien, ¿a quien puedo culpar? Si cada forma de obrar va con el pasado y el presente. Además, es necesario conocer la historia para no repetirla, pero es tan difícil hacer. Es tan fácil decir y es tan difícil cumplir. Por eso uno debe callar. Yo soñaba cosas únicas. Yo creía ser única, pero uno se estrella contra la realidad. Y se halla con ser solo reemplazable. Yo creo que eso de "No hay nadie como tú" puede llegar a ser verdad. Nadie tiene mis ojos, ni mi voz, ni muchas cosas, pero eso no te hace único o imprescindible. Por eso aprendí a manejar algunas situaciones. A soltar un poco. A no atar. Aunque a veces quiera amarrar fuerte, pero si lo intento, sólo me hiero al no conseguir lo que quiero. Entonces, para mí, es mejor soltar y dejar. Si se quieren acercar, ya lo harán. A veces me da miedo que cuando quieran amarrarme, yo no quiera ser amarrada, y seguramente, debido a la frustración seré implacable. Qué pérdida, tendré que pedir perdón.
Hay tantas cosas que me duelen. A veces no las siento, pero otras veces se acumulan y me cuesta trabajo hasta tragar. Me encuentro extrañando ciertas cosas, ciertas conversaciones, discusiones, reconciliaciones, sentimientos, momentos, sueños, planes, conexiones, en fin. Es increíble como luego todo pierde el sentido. Yo sólo sé que, lo siento. Me alegra estar inalcanzable.

Il mio cuore

Y si, camino bajo el sol, pero es invierno en mi corazón. Y de pronto llegará un amor que no se marchará jamás, seré feliz con él, en su mirada yo me perderé, y capaz todos mis sueños se hagan realidad.
Tengo que salir, tengo que escapar al fin de mí, y dejar la oscuridad. Así estoy yo. Nada de lo que yo haga cambiará la situación, aunque insista y me cansé de insistir, de hacerme explicar, de dar razones. Ya intenté por todas las formas y medios posibles, y me rindo. Doloroso pero así es y así será. Y como soy orgullosa y mi rencor y mi dolor sólo van a crecer, cuando diga no, no sentiré nada, ni siquiera dolor por mí ya, ni por ti, ni por nadie. Me pregunto cómo será vivir una vida y algo emocionante, inesperado, arriesgado, cegado de amor y con fe.

I am bored and tired. Someday I'll travel and I'll see everything I want to see.
I believe that when you have found the one, you just know it and feel it in your heart...
Igual, debo hacerlo todo con amor. Yo sola voy a acabar con mi fuerza de voluntad, aunque no solamente yo siempre. Quizás algún día sea la noche ideal. Y no haré nada.

the others

Others are happy and seem happy. Do you ever really know if it's real? Or are just fake pictures?
I believe maybe my friends or cousins have played their cards better or different than me.
My fate hasn't been so easy after all, but I blame no one but me for that. I made my own choices.
But I hate it sometimes. It's like I want or ask for something, and I get exactly the opposite. So I shouldn't want or ask for anything after all. I feel sad and upset. I am tired. I want to cry, to see that I won't have my way or what I wanted after all.
It makes me want to cry, that my life hasn't gone the way I planned it as a kid. I cry that maybe I keep making my choices wrong, maybe with my heart, or with my mind, with both or with none.
It's like if I were dumb, irrational. Did I act correctly in every aspect of my life? I wonder lot of things. What if I had asked that night about it? What would had happened?
What if I hadn't left him? What if I hadn't walked away? What If I wasn't a coward back then? What if I hadn't hurt? If I had forgiven? What if I hadn't taken anything for granted? What if I made wrong choices? What if so? Would I be completely happy right now? Would I feel complete and fulfilled? Or Would I still feel lack or a void of something in my heart?
I can't reborn, and I won't. I just see how time goes by. I see how others get the time and fate I wanted for me back then or when I was a kid and I don't. Does this mean I am living other's life? is this mine? Or will I wake up and I won't be me? I am about to become a hypocrit with others. I am going to say things I don't mean and I'd hate that. So I better say nothing.
I blame the internet for lot of things. It made me smile and make new friends, but it also ruined my life. And it also does sometimes. Because as you can see other's problems, you also see their happiness. Why shouldn't you feel glad for others getting what they wanted or they dreams becoming real? It sucks because I know that won't happen to me. I won't get things done my way, and I'll go through life pretending I am fine with that because I am proud, and because I don't go back, even though my heart asks what if I did. That won't help, that won't solve anything, that won't get me closer, nothing will. There are things that are out of our control. I want to cry, as if crying could change things, as if tears could make life changings, or problems disappear, or obstacles go away, or opening hearts and minds, or making money. But they don't and that's a fact. Tears are only good for yelling quietly. If I could turn back time, I would like to be told before so I could write down things to not repeat them, to make other choices. To say no when I had to say no, to say yes when I had to say yes, to say I'll do it when I had to, to ask the right question when I had to ask it, to enjoy more when I had to enjoy more. To be more riskful. This obsession with control, with comfort, with perfection, with ethics, with transparency, with depth, with knowing, with reason, hasn't taken me where I thought it would, and less to where I wanted.

Others are younger, or older, different. Have lived different things of me, things I would had like to live. Others are richer, poorer, and will live things I won't. Being jealous and wishing doesn't hurt anyone but me. I wish I could trade or exchange lives with some people, just to feel and know what is like, then I could go back to my life and smile, because it felt good, too bad it actually didn't happen to me, and that's the sad part. I always say to myself what a loving or kind or a keeper person I am, and yet I don't feel like one. I mean, I do and act like one, but I don't feel it. If I were, lot of things would be different. If I were so special, sweet, complete, great, wonderful woman, tender, good in bed, intelligent, sexy, faithful, unique, sincere, loyal or(etc ive been told).. my life would had been different, or it would be different. But it isn't so that must not be true after all. I am just not that unique, that special, that beautiful. I just haven't done the right things. I wasn't born with such a big star perhaps. I am so tired, of acting so good, of being like I am, so lovable and not feeling how I want to feel, how I think I am supossed to feel.
I feel sad. I wonder why others, why not me? Is she luckier? perhaps. Is she prettier? maybe. Is she smarter? yes. Is he more athletic? of course. Or maybe I have played my cards the wrong way. Maybe I haven't met the right path or the right people. What if I were a man? I wish i were a man. It must be so nice. Not to feel so much, not to be able to do the joint of feelings and language as good, not to pay atenttion to details, not to expect things, not to be able to understand, or just not to be a woman.

I am living this life, my life, and the pride won't go anywhere, so I'll walk through my path quietly and accepting because yelling, dreaming, wanting, fighting, arguing, is totally worthless.

Like A Child

En días como hoy pienso muchas cosas. En lo lindo que es recibir cosas, sean tangibles o no, cuando no las esperas, y más cuando ni siquiera las has pedido. Es como sentir una brisa y una sonrisa sincera. Pero no le da tiempo a tu corazón de prepararse, y te quedas asombrado.
Yo sé que entregar todo no significa que lo recibirás, por eso uno debe entregar sin esperar nada a cambio. Yo siempre doy cosas, o emociones.. me encanta causarle alegría y felicidad a alguien. Como la felicidad de mi sobrino porque le arreglé su muñeco. O como la alegría que le das a alguien por decir "A mi también me ha pasado!", O cuando le dices algo a alguien que no sabía y que no esperaba saber, cuando incluyes a alguien, o simplemente un "Yo también".
Yo sé que la consecuencia del destrozamiento de la esperanza es el endurecimiento del corazón.

I got the red dress I wanted. So, I'll wear it, my red dress that mean things. I'll look myself in the mirror and think. I will cry and then I'll wipe off my tears and put make up on.
Where would we be without make up? But I am thankful. You've rewarded me. You've taken care of my and my family. I'll keep praying for me, for them, for him. After all, what am I?
Just as weak and sad as any other. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could empower that empathy more. But I am only human, and still knowing, still growing, still learning, getting sick, hurting, smiling, feeling, and crying.

I've done wrong in the past, and maybe I'll do more in the future. I always pray for justice, because I am not to take revenge, so better let go and be free.
I have paths in front of me.. One is a known past path, do I want go that way again just because of few reasons? Do I take the future path of comfort and companionship? Do I take the other path? Today I felt scared, because I felt pain and disappointment again. I felt again that awful sensation of giving. But I must remember to myself, even though I have a scarf, this isn't the same wound. It isn't, it's another one, different, and it might heal sooner than I think so. I pretend being cold and strong, but that's just it, pretending. Truth is, I am like God sees me. A 4 year old kid in a red dress.
Sometimes I miss weird things. Like walking down the soft rain while other runs and I enjoy. I wonder if my eyes look different now than what they used to.
I wonder if I'd be happier far and lonely. No hay ciego peor que aquel que no quiere ver.
Por eso siempre pido ver. Hay cosas que no se ven con los ojos.
I miss so much being a child. I was a happy kid.

And I'm never gonna make it like you do.

Ya lentamente dejaré de ir escribiendo aquí.
Ya no sé como escribir y me canso de repente. Ya no sé como darme a entender sin que mis frases sean obvias, sin tener que pedir nada. Escribir sólo me ha traído problemas, malos entendidos, y sinónimos. Antes era diferente, era fácil, el clic, pero era distinto.

Las mujeres sí somos inentendibles después de todo, complejas, insatisfechas, frustradas, amargadas. A veces pienso que me hubiera gustado más ser hombre. Enfrentar menos cosas, sentir menos, tener un cerebro distinto, menos complicado, menos sensible, menos detallista, menos susceptible a al decepción, a ser herido.
Ahora, no digo que los hombres sean insensibles, no lo son. Son sensibles, sienten a su manera, oyen a su manera. A veces me pregunto como sería si ellos pudieran oír nuestros verdaderos pensamientos, y nosotras sus verdaderos sentimientos. Sería confuso. Pero es mejor, para ambos, que no oigamos lo que piensa el otro. Habría más muertes, y más corazones, orgullos y egos rotos.
A veces me siento acongojada, y me duele el pecho y el corazón. Por razones antiguas, por razones viejas disfrazadas de nuevas, e incluso por esperanzas nuevas. Pero sentir como la sangre llena el corazón, es sólo para recordar que aún respiras y que puedes hacer cosas por otras personas o cosas que ames.
A veces pienso en el pasado y a veces lloro, porque recuerdo cosas que quisiera que pasaran pero con la persona correcta; pero pasaron con la persona que yo creía correcta y al parecer nunca voy a tenerlas con la persona "correcta". Sé muchas cosas, ignoro otras, y me duele recordar.
Uno diría, entonces no recuerdes pero a veces salta a la mente o al corazón sin que tú lo planees.
Y, he cambiado mucho. No sé si para bien o para mal. Yo veo letras en todas partes, y leo palabras en muchas otras. Aprendí a disociar las palabras de las emociones. Aprendí a asociar las emociones o sentimientos con cosas tangibles como consecuencia de vivir de cosas intangibles.
Sé como nadie, o como mucha gente, lo que es ilusionarse fácilmente para luego no obtener lo que esperabas. Y siempre te preguntas cosas, y te surgen dudas y no sabes que hacer con ellas. Hay cosas que ya no me inspiran, que ya no me excitan, quizás porque ya sé como son y algunas no eran lo que yo esperaba mientras que hay otras que resultaron mejores. Pero algunas cosas pueden cambiar, y otras hay que aceptarlas o buscar opciones.
Yo sólo digo, que es muy difícil encontrar su media naranja, y que tenga todo como ustedes quieren es prácticamente imposible. Yo por eso siempre digo, que uno entonces, debe poner las cosas en una balanza, con madurez, y priorizar lo que buscas en una pareja: compañía, comprensión, sexo, amor, interés, diversión, entre otras. Dependiendo de esas prioridades, escoges a la pareja que tenga lo que esperas en lo que más te importa. Mis prioridades han variado y aún a veces varían, o quien sabe. Sólo sé que hay cosas que no son fáciles de hallar en alguien en la actualidad, como es la fidelidad y la sinceridad, o que te amen solo a ti sin engañarte. Antes de mi experiencia divisora de cronología, tenía prioridades distintas, buscaba más cosas, creía más cosas, en fin, distinta, pero después esas prioridades cambiaron, y se redujeron a buscar alguien que sea sincero conmigo siempre, y esperando su fidelidad. Me alegra haberlo encontrado; pero a veces quiero más cosas, y olvido que no puedo recibirlas porque escogí otras prioridades, entonces la lista se re hace como un juego de tetris.
A veces recuerdo que ya no soy una niña, que quiere todo para ella, y tenerlo todo de forma egoista sin compartir, sin pensar más que en sus deseos.
A veces lloro porque mi vida no salió como la había planeado, pero he conocido otras cosas que de otra forma no hubiera conocido.
Las cosas cambian cuando menos las esperas, ya no soy tan joven, y mi vida va pasando y hay cosas que no he vivido ni conocido, ni he sentido, y debo vivirlas a traves de otras personas.
A veces siento envidia y celos por eso y pido perdón, soy humana y tengo defectos, como desear cosas, o uniones, o sentimientos que otras personas tienen y yo carezco.
Hoy me siento particularmente triste. Debí haber arriesgado más en el pasado, pero para ser honestos, no soy del tipo de persona aventurero o arriesgado sino todo lo contrario. Soy una persona rigida y tradicionalista, y me gusta hacer y entregar sintiendo seguridad. Me gusta hacer las cosas en la forma ordenada, en la forma como debieran ser, en la forma que sea secuencial, que sea agradable a los ojos de Dios y de mí, y no vivir disputas internas constantemente de sí o no. Supongo que sólo mi psicologa sabe lo dificil que es para mí tomar riesgos, hacer cosas sin el orden que yo quiero o quería para mí, es terrible para alguien compulsivo, dan ganas de arrancarse el pelo, se vive con angustia, estreñimiento o diarrea, gastritis, en fin.. tal vez debería volver a psicoterapia, pero ya sabría que cosas van a decirme y qué cosas diré.
Me duele la cabeza, y me agradaría que me borraran algunos recuerdos, y algunas partes de mi forma de ser.
A veces me cuesta admitir cosas, debí haber dicho más cosas, la verdad; pero sentía otras cosas en ese momento además del orgullo y la herida. Para mí era una competencia, y yo creía que podía ser fría y calmada e indiferente, yo sé fingir bien, sé callar, sé sonreír de esa manera complaciente. Mi problema es que ahora no puedo ya decir nada. A veces hay días que me cuesta, y como no quiero decirlo, me hace llorar. A veces lo digo con naturalidad y se va ligeramente, pero otros días me cuesta porque quiero recibir un eco y no.

El punto es que los comerciales de televisión, ahora entiendo, son verdaderos. Las mujeres sí pensamos y sentimos distinto de los hombres. Sí venimos de planetas diferentes, sí hablamos distintos idiomas. Yo he contado con suerte y con mala suerte a la vez.
Todo es equilibrado. La mayoría de veces, tengo "paciencia" o procuro mantener mi actitud Zen ante todo. Pero otras veces me canso. Yo escogí esto sobre otras cosas. Pude haber tenido esas otras cosas a otro precio.
Y si hago un análisis, soy una paternalista. Que tal si no escogiera de ese modo sino al revés?
Yo sé, que el día que use el vestido que compré, me miraré al espejo y se me van a salir las lágrimas.
Pero será algo intimo para mí, pero recordaré, no hacerlo después de haberme maquillado.
Los hombres dirán que las mujeres sufrimos porque queremos, pero si somos apáticas, somos "bitches". Pero sufrimos porque a veces sentimos mucho, y queremos que el otro sienta igual, que vea lo que tú ves, como tú lo ves, y no puedes, simplemente no puedes hacer sentir al otro, o hacer en el otro lo que no le nace hacer y te toca bajar la cabeza y marcharte del baile.
Pero encontraste algo importante, algo que vale la pena atesorar, y que no es fácil de hallar , perdurable. Yo sólo me digo a mí misma, yo sólo sonrío, a veces me pregunto el porqué todavía, a veces no, a veces creo que lo merezco, otras no, a veces quiero devolver el tiempo, otras no.
Ahora estoy en medio, con varios caminos para andar, tal como hace tiempo. Espero haber madurado un poco y caminarlos en forma distinta. Ojalá fuera más moderna y liberal, ojalá importará menos o ¿más?

I know just how to whisper
And I know just how to cry
I know just where I find the answers
And I know just how to lie
I know just how to fake it
And I know just how to scheme
I know just when to face the truth
And then I know just when to dream
And I know just where I touch you
And I know just what to prove
I know when to pull you closer
And I know when to let you loose

And I know the night is fading
And I know the time's gonna fly
And Im never gonna tell you everything I gotta tell you
But I know I've got to give it a try

And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to pain
I know all the rules and then I know how to break'em
And then I always know the name of the game

The Dress & The story

I went out to buy the dress. I Saw a red one, but then I saw another. I fit both, but I chose the other one. I liked both, but it had something. I hope I Look good in it far beyond my eyes.
Who knows, maybe this means fate has other chances after all.
Who knows, maybe I'll get what I want this time. Who knows if circunstances will allow.

Once upon a time, there was this princess. She had everything she asked for or wanted, toys, dolls, cars, dresses, friends, pets, just as princess wants princess gets and of course a lovely family. As time went by, She had to face changes, she grew up, made new friends, moved away, and so she was changing as well.
One day, she was walking in a forest, alone (she loved spending time on her own, cus she loved to read, hear music, see the animals pet them and giving all her love cus they were grateful and loyal; and because she prefered so), and she ran into this boy. She saw him and greeted him cus she had seen him before, but didn't pay much atenttion. She noticed that he woked up the wicked parts of her and found that amusing until one day he said he loved her. She felt shocked, that wasn't a pleasant thing for her but she thought he seemed genuine. So, for years, they continued meeting and talking in this forest, but she was feeling tired, so she said: You should come into my Castle. He agreed. He said lot of beautiful things and dates, and promises, but couldn't keep them, so princess' heart was breaking little by little with every promise unaccomplished, but he had a way to manipulate her after all, so she kept coming back to the forest with him.
On the days after, she kept coming back into this forest, and the boy was there again, she thought weird, but continued talking to him. Then, once, he finally did his word and came to her castle, she was so happy she forgave everything he ever said or done that hurted her within, she fell in love deeply and She had planned all her life with him, she felt she had found her prince. He came back to her castle a few times, and she was happy but sad when he came back to his house. She kept coming back to the forest, and she was feeling tired, exhausted and hurted, she just kept arguing with him and he said awful hurting things to her and kept breaking the crystal hearted princess; but she didn't say too much about it because she loved too much. She felt so hurt'd she stopped talking and smiling slowly, she felt that if only he had said or touched her, or said truly sorry, everything would be gone, as usual, but it didn't happen. She let it go, and continued going back but she felt the environment so different from before. She knew something wasn't right.
One day, she came to the forest as always, and found something horrible. He was with one of her closest forest friends, her crystal heart broke into million pieces and she was bleeding, but he didn't realize, she didn't have the eyes she had, but didn't knee just yet, and kept walking. But all her forest friends and animals began to look at her in a weird way, and whispering, since he was lying about her and about everything she thought was real. She felt so small, so worthless, she started crying and ran off to her castle and locked herself in her bedroom for days. The pain and hurt was so strong she couldn't stand up anymore, but kneel down and cry her broken heart, million pieces of her heart coming out in tears forms. She refused to eat, to go out, to take lessons and to live. Then, her family was sad and her few good friends too. They kept telling her she was so pretty, and transparent, and deserved much more, everything she could ever want. She thought that to love, to be loyal and to give everything, was worthless after all.
Two of her friends came to visit her, and said they stand by her, they knew who she really was and that she was stronger, that God made her stronger and this was only a hard test, and that she might have others coming up during her lifetime. So, she woke up, and changed the princess dress, and wore a different one. She isn't a princess after all, the once she thought was her armor knight wasn't more than a disgusting frog. Maybe it's me, she thought, maybe it's this dress., maybe it's my heart, maybe it's my mind, my words, maybe words are just words, Maybe it's everything. She thought that leaving her Castle, her forest and her family, no one could see how wounded and wrecked she was. So she left and moved away to another kingdom, began a new life, a fresh start, where nobody knew who she was, where there were no more beautiful dresses, no more strawberry desserts, no more falling in love; no more smiling and pretending because she is the princess, where she was just a regular x girl from the country who was just reborn. She met new people, but didn't care much about them and didn't want to get close or attached to them, she knew everything they bring is deceive, lies and words and broken promises.
One day, she was picking flowers with one girl friend, and lot of horses went throught and then a handsome man was on top of a white one and saw them, and she looked back at him, and saw into his eyes, and felt something inside of her she thought was dead. She asked her friend who he was, and she said it was the prince of the kingdom.

She smiled, but felt sad as well. She had nothing, and had nothing to give; everything inside of her was broken and cold. And didn't want to give anything. The next day, she was buying fruits and saw the prince getting close to her, she thought he was heading other way. He smiled at her and started talking with her, but she wasn't there, she wasn't made for that and she replied in bad ways to scare him off, then he left.
She came back to her room and began to ponder.. and thought it isn't his fault all the hurt and wound she had inside of her and sighed.
Her friend told her the Prince was organizing a ball to spouse a princess, that she should go and talk to him. Her friend gave her an elegant gown to go to the Ball because she had no princess dress the and she was no one there.
She went and she saw him from far away. He looked more handsome than ever, she could had just jump over him and caress his face. The room was full of princesses in beautiful dresses and she was no one and had nothing to offer perhaps.
She walked in slowly, not to call much atenttion and a gentleman asked her to dance, saying how beautiful she looked and she said yes, just to be kind. The prince saw her and remembered her and walked closer to her and said he wanted to dance with her.
She smiled and blushed and felt happy in the inside, to feel his body close to her and look back into his eyes. She smiled more, she hasn't smiled truly in such long time. She knew why he was there, she knew why she was there, but everything is so unsure. It was late and the Queen said it was time the prince makes his choice. She held his hand just to know the feeling and her heart began to beat faster. He smiled at her and let go off her hand and walked towards the stairs.
She saw him, she noticed something and felt maybe it wasn't her place. In her heart she still wanted so many things, illusions and dreams. As she walked to the door, took a last glance at him full of tears, because maybe she wasn't a princess after all, at least, not his princess, even though she in her mind and heart, he is her prince charming. Maybe she should go back home, where her smile lights up the forest, where she owns castles, beautiful dresses, skies, animals. Maybe she should continue keeping the same illusion deep down her heart even though it wants to go out and stare at the moon, even though she saw that moon in his eyes; that doesn't mean she's the worthy princess, that doesn't mean he sees the moon in her eyes. Maybe that moon will keep her company every night.She was happy as never she thought she'd be, just for moments, and her heart came back to life from its dying sleep. Maybe she'll come back to her castle with him in her heart and fill everything with the memories of that Ball. Maybe she loved him because she couldn't fight it over his kindness and laugh. Maybe she should buy a new princess dress and he could feel what she does, at the same time and not far away. She just wonders why he didn't feel that conection that lasts forever. Maybe she wonders why God put her that day in his way. She just wonders why her, why him, why so different, why so much luck, why so much hurt. Her heart was yelling there, but she is afraid of the deceive, of growing more illusions that won't come true after all. Her heart was making songs with his voice. Maybe she thought he'd want to be the keeper, to stay forever, to fill everything by her side. Maybe he'll say the words she wants to hear, maybe he'll say, maybe he'll do, or maybe she should bend her head and be quiet. Maybe the endless sea of emotions, of the love. Maybe someday a new sunrise with life will come.


Who knows, maybe I will get a they all lived happily ever after ending.
I just ended a phase.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.



Una ilusión guardada en tu corazón gritándote allí buscando salir y así
creo que descubrí tu luna
Pensando que su luz, sería como ninguna en tu mirar, que cada vez se hizo más eterno y más profundo.
Y entre más profundo más locura para amar
y en cada amanecer rompías mis promesas
ahogabas con tu alma todas mis tristezas
Una canción salió de mi corazón, buscándote a tí, trayendote hacía mí y ahora yo
que nunca había sido tan felíz.
hoy ya te tengo y creo que llegaste ahora para quedarte aquí
Y empieza amanecer en mí la vida comienzo a despertar desde que estaba tan dormida
Y se llena mi espacio de tí, y en cada lugar tu vas conmigo hasta el final de este capítulo en puntos suspensivos....
Y si lleno tu espacio de mí tendremos un mar de eterna calma
Y cómo resistirme a naufragar allí si cada vez me encuentro más
al fondo de tu alma, al fondo de vos, de tu corazón, de nuestro amor
que es tímido y veloz, y empieza a amanecer en mi la vida

Guilty feet have no rythm.

One make your own choices, everybody does, before, during and after the events. So this mode of "why everyone but me", doesn't suit. I made my choices, no one can't tell me I didn't know. Well, some things I didn't know, or maybe I thought they were untrue.
Sometimes I ponder how come fate is so unkind, but then I remember I know truths others don't, or just aren't willing to glimpse.

I knew better, I know better, I was told. I know I am not a fool. I'm willing to pay the price for it, and don't worry I will. I will just try to be quiet about it, because, intimate issues.

I want to buy a dress, but not any kind of dress. A Pretty good one.
One that says that everything is perfect, even though it isn't. One that makes me feel that someday perhaps, will be my day, and I'll fall for it once again. One, hopefully, red, that makes me feel I am worth feelings, things, chances, money, risks, family, dreams.
You know me clearly, you've always been by my side, even when I didn't want you to be and even when I needed you most. You're there when I feel pain, or joy, or hope. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, like that day under the cherry tree next to the peaceful lake. It had been a while, cus I got caught up in banal things. And sometimes I feel sad, not being able to share as I want to, but I can share.. with... who wants to.
And Anyway, you're just standing there, and I become a child again with a dress.
But this new dress, I dont want it to be my child dress. I want it to mean things, to remind me things. Maybe, so many things, and when I wear it on my own, I'll cry... I'll say.. you knew I wanted so much. And today, I ask to myself, maybe I want too much.
Maybe I should just enjoy, without analizyng it all. Not everything has its own reason, does it.
So, it doesn't take an expert to know I'll go through this, with you. And I will do it, because I know, and because I love you endlessly. I have no incredulity, otherwise. I've lived, I've been showed, I've known. You are my priority, and my guidance in life, you're the center, and my life partner and family, I gave them to you. We all been raised differently, backgrounds, acts, choices, memories.
So, You know what I want, I know it's not the right ways, or idealistic way, it's just the way. But I am who I am, I am strong because You 've given me the strengh to stand up, to see. I have big faults I can't control them, but I am the human here.
Each person is different, and sometimes I feel scared, or that I can't continue, and I say help me, or ask, and You go quiet. I wish I could see, see more, feel more. I can't understand the why, but that's just how love works in all ways.
But You know how I wanted You to be the center of our instead of my, so I'll keep asking, through me, and You through all. I am sorry.
I chose one path among others, I wasn't so blind at all, at least not as I was when I was younger. I can continue wanting or wishing, but just for myself and of that way I won't hurt others. I am just glad You always protected me, here, and there, through all things I've done, and some more stupid than others. Forgive me being so stubborn.

So, When I go out, and I see this dress, that makes me look as if I were shining; I don't want to settle, I just want to say, this is the one, this dress, suitable for a woman who deserves everything but can't have it. And I'll make choices again, And I'll choose that dress, yes, the red one.

New year

New year began. I hadn't the time to write, I was busy being loved and happy. I feel so weird when I think about what I had and now I don't because I miss it so much.
I've watched things on tv, as always, and some get to my heart. Now I think.. and I feel that Ive never been so sure about anything in my life as I am now about wanting to spend my lifetime with one person. Now i just hope everything comes true, cus you know what they say when you feel sure about things.
But I feel sure in a good way, not in the comfortable taking for granted way. In the exciting way. The idea that I've found someone to cheerish and share it makes my smile and my face enlighten.


I rarely think about the past. I don't think about it as often as I used to a while ago, i barely do now, maybe when something reminds me of it, but by myself I just dont and I dont put efforts in it. Maybe because now I have my eyes in something else, in the future. I wish I could say I have them in the present and in the future, but I dn't yet, and at the same time, everything becomes so confusing.

Some things are more important than others. Can't wait to start...