Every day is more empty than the one before.
I don't really care about the money. I'd give it all back if it meant you'd return. I'm quite aware you didn't love me enough. I'm aware you don't love me anymore. Then again why do I want you back? Why do I want someone who doesn't love me?
Why didn't you leave me alone when you saw my photo with the bird? You should have let me be. I was not looking for a boyfriend, for a partner. You should have left me alone if at the end you were going to leave me worse than as you found me. You already knew I was a naive fawn in my rose forest, why didn't you let me be there? You had to pull me out and show me how cruel you too could be. It's silly that my only comeback and comfort is "At least he didn't leave me for one of my friends. At least he chose me. At least he didn't call me names or disrespected me." Because my ex before you broke me and I let him (I take responsibility in this behavior). Huh, My ex boyfriend, that man that after many years keeps choosing the same woman he left me for over me...Amiga, date cuenta. Acciones antes que palabras. Words mean nothing if your actions show opposite.
But there's always good and bad. Light and dark. I was light and then I became deep shadow inside of myself. And I was hurting and numb. And you ignored me. And you took me for granted. And you interrupted me and humiliated me. And I grew resentment. And I apologized.
I've cried a lot. I know I will cry more. I wonder if it hurts you as much as it hurts me. I don't really think so. Men and women are wired so differently.
I could spend the rest of my lifetime alone, whereas men can't spend one year alone or without fucking someone. You ask a man how many they've been alone or without fucking people and you'll see the survey results. Now I understand my grandmothers. This is draining, exhausting. I don't really want to love or give my body to anyone. It's not worth it. This broken heart at the end, not worth it. Happy times don't compensate this shitty pain. And I'm not like some of my friends who 2 months later one was already in a serious relationship and the other one was living with another man. I respect them for wanting to try again but each one grieve their own way. I can't even think of having a man close to me with those intentions. Like..eww get away from me. They treat you kind and loving at the beginning or as long as they haven't fucked you. That's just the reality. All can be so ephemeral, specially with low-effort people, who want everything with no effort or no inner work or relationship work at all.
To be honest, I don't think I'll ever be happy again. I feel I've given up all hope. I don't either think I deserve happiness. And I won't find it because things I want can't be real.
My heart shattered when she died. I never could repair or rejoin the pieces of myself even though I tried. And My ex husband only broke it even more. Maybe he was right in the hurtful things he said and I'm no useful as a woman. I hope he's happy. I know. I'm sure he's already with another woman -which would explain why he kept hurting and rejecting me- being happy and that's good for him. I only always meant to respect his wishes when he told me to leave him alone.
I don't find happiness or fulfillness in couple relationship anymore. I tried "serious love" twice and both time I have failed successfully. No, I'm not interested in trying a third time. Spare me. Leave me alone with my wounded heart and nostalgic smile.
Since I know I can't be happy, at least I can aspire to at least be at peace or tranquility. My happy place used to be under a cherry tree, next to a creek, with mom who to me resembles love and protection and me being 5 or 6 years old, pure innocence, before I was abused. That's where mostly my mind takes me.
I close my eyes and if I think of my future, I see myself now wearing a red spring dress, it has flowers on it. It's long, maybe a sun hat and a soft breeze. I'm kneel down on my garden, pulling out weeds, planting flowers, hearing music and the dog next to me.
Maybe one day you'll remember me and think of me, and you'll feel a pinch of regret, but I doubt that.
Bleeding-heart pigeon.
