Awareness

 If something I have learned from this painful process one after another, is awareness.

I have come to be more aware of myself, of my own feelings, my own expectations, my own pain, my own triggers. And I embark on this journey of self discovery, of seeking answers to all the why questions.

I want to continue learning by myself, through my experiences but also through others. See them for who they are, but also what they do or don't do. How does this make me feel. How not to take it personal. I'm no longer the same person I was.

I only hope to have grown to become a better version of myself. The world has been nuts and pandemic has taken a huge toll on all of us. Our daily routines and I have lost beloved ones. It makes you wonder how long, how much more.

It's an act of courage just to get up every morning. I still seek the comfort of death, but this seems to elude those who crave it.

I have come to see through other eyes. I have met people and I have come even to experience new feelings and sensations, and yet I feel I can't find my place, or belong.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I want to keep trying, because nothing good comes easily, but I keep wondering and I have a lot of questions. I still have this feeling of expectations unmet, so I have to take a deep inside of myself, things and feelings I should give to myself or do for me.
I don't want to fall in a circle. I won't. I won't lose myself ever again. Now I am aware of me, of who I am.

The process of being reborn, of getting out of the mud was far from easy and it was painful. But, I like to think I have crossed that. I have new ways in front of me, and I don't want to repeat old behaviors or same mistakes again. I'm still learning.

I still cry though, I still once in a while feel a tug on my side. But I think they last way less than before, they pass quicker. I no longer hold a lot inside of me, I tend to feel and release.

I let go.